Otherwise enGAYged...

Not official until it's on Facebook...

2009-12-05T22:19:00.001-05:00

Let the planning start...

2009-08-07T15:24:00.005-04:00

So, it's August. This September is going to be a year of engagement for Kelby and I and we haven't planned anything!!!

Like I've mentioned before, getting engaged just a couple months before Prop. 8 in California's passing was such a blow to us and put a damper on things.

But now with some water under the bridge, we've been able to kind of start planning and are thinking about what we want to do.

We don't even know if we want a big, old fashioned, "white" wedding or something smaller and maybe more "cream."

We figured starting a list of people we want to invite will be a good place to start. We listed everyone we would love to invite in an ideal world where money was no option and then quickly realized that list was WAY too long. But, it made us start to see who we really want at our side to witness our special day.

So... we still don't have anything planned, but with this very soft guest list, we have like 0.5 things done. And that's a start.

I found this on one of my favorite sites for blank wedding invitations and thought I'd share. Who knew I could maybe use Craigslist to help with my wedding!

You can dance if you want to...

2009-07-23T20:55:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine showed me this video. Being theatrically inclined I can't help but be a little jealous that they thought of this before I could...

But then I take a step back and think... with all my friends being actors/dancers... we would take it way too seriously and have more than a rehearsal dinner. There would probably be a full week of rehearsals, 10am-6pm, with a choreographer (me) and a final dress (to make sure the choreography doesn't split anyone's tux pants!) and I'll need a stage manager/director.

And when I take a step even further back... isn't my wedding gay enough with me and Kelby there? Do I need to add a musical number?

(actually... maybe one at the reception would be better... hmmm...)

Broadway Impact

2009-05-13T22:53:00.005-04:00

To all you New Yorkers out there... There is an awesome group called Broadway Impact that is planning a rally this Sunday May 17th @ 5:00 on 45th Street and 6th Avenue.

Although I have no idea where the rally-ing is going to take place because there is NO space there at all... But I'm gonna go and be loud and peaceful and try to get gay marriage passed in New York.

Here is some multi-media on the subject! (And that Gavin Creel who is heading it up is such a hottie. He had a small write up in this month's Out. And to top it all off he is so talented!!! Don't tell Kelby, but I totally have a crush...)

NYC... What is it about you?

2009-04-18T22:08:00.003-04:00

Living in NYC is a different beast all together.

Example: I live only a few blocks from water but never see it, I never look to the sky and notice the stars. Of course star gazing in the city is next to impossible with the amount of light produced on every street lamp not to mention the illuminate skyscrapers that seem to light up the sky from the sky. When you look up you see Just black. Nothing.

Looking up to the heavens is also something most grown up people neglect to do. We forget what it's like to look up in to the sky and instead of seeing nothing, see endless possibilities.

I'm in the middle of nowhere West Virgina (which scares me to death) but being in the middle of nowhere I look up to the sky at night and for the first time in a while stars. and for some reason think about Kelby and Our endless possibilities together.

I miss Kelby a lot. I know It's only been a matter of weeks and what's a few weeks apart when we have a lifetime together. but I miss his laugh and waking up next to him.

Having this time apart (and this introspective star gazing moment) has given me an unexpectedly welcome new perspective into the nature of our relationship and this journey of marriage that we are going to take together.

I guess it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. And tonight ,since I can see them and he’s not here with me, I’m going to do like I did as a kid, and wish upon a star, (just like Fievel…)

I've Been Everywhere...

2009-04-13T16:53:00.003-04:00

First off, to anyone who reads this blog with any kind of scant regularity, I apologize for dropping off the face of the Earth for the past few months. As you can all guess, life happens and like most things in life, no news is good news.

I got an amazing acting job that has taken me on tour around the Midwest, South, and New England and so my Internet access has not been as regular as when I'm home and I generally end up spending my time talking to Kelby or other friends on the phone. I've been on the road since February. (Which is also a long time to not see my man!)

But I haven't forgot about this blog, in fact I've been writing a few on paper while we're being driven from town to town, so I have a small back log of entries I need to put finger to keyboard and transfer over.

After this, expect more "Gay Man's Rants" and also a couple "Small Town Gay Bar Reviews" since being on the road has allowed me to travel all over! (Who knew Tennessee had such a rockin' gay scene?!)

In the meantime, here is a blog I wrote back in the end of January about an experience I witnessed with a disgruntled state employee.

Oh... the DMV.

Now, just to be sure, everyone has to go to the DMV right? Not just freaks and crazies, but normal everyday people? I mean, I was there. It stands to reason normal people go there to. So... why is it that it seems like only freaks and crazies are there?

I was there yesterday trying to get a New York Drivers Licence (I've been hanging on to my California one for the past 2 years, and decided that it was time to fully commit to being a New Yorker and have the ID to prove it.)

The first odd thing was there is a sort of "screening" line, where you had to stand in one line to get a number, and then you're directed to another line that will actually help you with what you need. Anyway to make a long story short, the woman who was heading the first "screening" line was obviously not having a good day.

The man in front of me was next and she asked him what he was there at the DMV for, so she could direct him to the proper line. He said he was renewing his license. She asked if he'd be taking a new picture. The man joked and said, "No. I don't need a new picture. I'm still pretty."

Now this was an older (not pretty) man, who was just trying to be funny and cheer up this woman who looked obviously haggard and depressed.

She stared at him blankly and said "No. You're not pretty. You're handsome. Woman are pretty and men are handsome. Unless you're a he/she, in which case I will still call you pretty."

The man kinda laughed it off and just left, not knowing what exactly to say, and went to stand in the next line.

I was so irked by what she said.

That kind of thinking, where gender roles and language are so defined, while isn't explicitly hurting anyone, in the end does more damage than good. I was a little mad at myself for not saying anything to her. What could I have said? "Boys can be pretty and girls can be handsome if they want."

I can only imagine the look she would have given me.

Gay Guy's Rant: V Neck Shirts in the Winter

2009-01-17T12:57:00.005-05:00

("Gay Guy's Rant" is a new "feature" that I am stealing from my friend Celeste over at The Big Girl Blog as a break away from the topic of engaygment. Thanks Cece... and check her out if you get a chance. She's amazing!)

While I'm not what you may call the most fashion forward person, I definitely like to think I have a sense of style and a general idea of what is going on.

One of the most amazing and weird trends this past year was the deep cut V-neck shirt for men this past summer. It was there the previous summer, but only the daring, fashion risk taking gays who shopped in Chelsea boutiques. It wasn't until they were readily available for gay and metro sexual men en masse at chain stores like Gap, Abercrombie, American Apparel, etc. did the full impact of the Deep V-Neck shirt really attack gay/metrosexual America like a leech.

Now as a fashion trend, I'm not against the "scoop neck" shirt (as I call them) for men. (Full disclosure: I totally own a few.) But as New York City enters a terribly cold spell right now, I find it deeply troubling that so many gay men, choose to still don the scoop neck in the winter.

As of this writing, the temperature outside is 14°F. And I can bet that there are at least 100 gay men in this city wearing a scoop neck paired only with a pea coat and a scarf around their neck that, while it protects their neck, still leaves their stubbly, clipped chest hair exposed to the elements.

Why do people choose on wearing obviously summer items in the winter? Should scoop necks take the same route as white shoes after Labor Day? Definitely. And let me be the first one to officially say so.

Enjoy this diagram I found from the now defunct Radar Magazine showing the options of shirts men now have. (I loved this magazine, I'm so sad it's gone...)

Please Don't Say That To Me

2009-01-10T16:17:00.002-05:00

Is it weird to say that I love gay people?

Is it weirder to say that I also hate them?

I went to my friend Rory’s birthday party. It was at Fusion which I had never been to. Now, it's not like I'm Mr. Social Butterfly, but I was surprised when I walked in because there were so many gay people. Was there a gay bar in New York that I 1) not only haven’t been to, but 2) I haven't at least HEARD of?

After saying hi to Rory and a couple other mutual friends I asked someone there for the party I knew, "is this a gay bar?" They replied, "No. But tonight it is."

So after being validated in my knowledge of Gay New York I was able to just take in the simple pleasure of taking over a bar with your friends,( especially with Rory since I always have such a blast with him, and so many of his friends are amazing!)

As the night went on I ran into many of the amazing friends of his, peripheral friends of mine and friends of friends of friends that I only see at parties like these. One of the peripheral friends I ran into was another gay couple, Cris and Jack.

Cris and Jack have been together just a little under what Kelby and I have been together (I think it’s been around 3ish years for them.) While I am not great friends with them I have always thought about them because they are another young-ish gay couple like myself and Kelby in the City.

As I was talking to Jack, he congratulated Kelby and myself on getting engaged. And right as I was about to say “thank you” he started in on this speech about how he would never do anything like that. He said he feels like gay marriage is a joke and not something gay people should do.” He went on to say he doesn’t think he’ll spend the rest of his life with Cris.

I must have been making a face, because he immediately changed his tone and said, “I mean, I’m happy for you. And if that’s what you want to do, that’s great.”

I was so confused.

On a personal level, here was a guy in a serious relationship, but isn’t into it. He’s just with him to be with him. I mean, yes rent is cheaper, sex is readily available, and companionship is always in style. But why be in a relationship if you’re not happy with that person?

Then, on a bigger, more societal level, why are there so many gay people out there against gay marriage? I mean… I’ve heard all the arguments from gays who are against gay marriage. (Rufus, Elton John) Why would we be a part of something that belongs to straight people? We should make our own traditions, etc…

But I think what confuses me the most is… when I say I’m getting married, why is the first thing some gay people say is “I don’t believe in gay marriage”?

Shouldn’t this be something people say after I leave? Maybe it was just the drinks talking and in a less “celebratory” state, he wouldn’t have said what he said. But it’s been said to me more than once by good, decent, sober people.

And on a slightly related note, sometimes when I tell people “I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years” people will respond by saying, “Oh, my girl/boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up after 4 years.”

Really?

Why?

I love gay people and all, but I hate them sometimes.

After his party, I told Rory about what Jack said, and Rory said that in the past few months they both have become increasingly distant and that it was a rare occasion to see them out together. While I can’t say for certain, but I do think having something to look forward to in your relationship, something to build upon, something to fight for, something that makes it real, something like marriage, is what gets couples though tough times.

Love not valid until a date TBD.

2009-01-06T16:40:00.004-05:00

I was talking with my friend Celeste about my engagement the other day and ended up talking about gay marriage and relationships in general. When prop 8's passage came up she lamented that "those gay people out there who have been together for years, and still don't have any legal protection. That they can't go see their partner in the hospital" etc...

And with her saying that, it highlighted something that I feel like I always knew, but wasn't able to put into words.

Which is that Love between gay people isn't considered valid until they have been together for about 20 years.

And I guess it makes sense. When it comes to a life of commitment, it isn't 2 months, or even the 4 plus years Kelby and I have spent together. A life of commitment is... well a LIFEtime together. But how does anyone prove it without spending 20+ years together to make others know that your love is real? Because Kelby and I's love for each other is just as valid and serious as people who have been together forever... right?

Once when I talked to my mom about getting married, she seemed really unsure. Almost to the point of telling me not to get married to Kelby. But it's tricky. I wonder, does she not like me getting married because I'm gay? Or is she just another mother reacting to the fact that her son is getting married and that in her eyes no one is good enough for her son?

Young people get married all the time, and lots of people question if they will make it (Engaged & Underage anyone?). And no one really knows if anyone will make it until they actually make it. So are my mom's doubts (and societies' doubts about young gay love) valid or is this just par for the course or getting married.

While I can't say which it is, my conversation with Celeste made me realize I can help change that idea with my commitment to Kelby and by getting married young.

I don't know exactly what the future holds for us, but I do know that I love Kelby. And no one can say that it's not valid because it's new.

Survey Says...

2008-11-28T17:14:00.003-05:00

Here is a survey that I stole from Dingmoonment that I thought was fun. The perfect mindless post that provides maximum information for you, and minimal thinking from me. (I'm still in a turkey coma.)

Marital Status?
Engayged

How long have you been together?
This last september was 4 years

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
a year

Who asked who out?
I asked Kelby out.

How old are each of you?
Both 25

What are your astrological signs?
I'm a scorpio, he's a virgo

How tall are each of you?
5'6 and 5'10

Whose mother do you see the most?
It feels like his... but I don't actually know ;)

Whose siblings do/did you see the most?
Kelby's

Do you have any children together?
No

Do you have any pets?
No

What’s the hardest on you as a couple?
Our jobs take us away from eachother... crazy hours, and we kind of are in direct competition a lot...

What do you both do for a living?
We're both actors, but I am also a musican.

Is that what you went to school for?
Yes

Did you both go to the same school?
It's where we met!

Are you from the same hometown?
No. But it was in my hometown where we met.

Do you live in the same town now?
Yes

Who is the smartest?
Depends on the situation... I'm more street smart.

Who is the most sensitive?
Kelby

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
The Metro Diner... a little neighboorhood diner a few blocks away. They know us there.

Where do you shop the most as a couple?
Duane Reade :(

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
New York, when we lived in California... And now California because we live in New York.

Who has the best group of friends?
Me... hands down.

Who has the craziest exes?
Me.

Who has the worst temper?
eek... Me again.

Who does the cooking?
We split that up...

Who is more social?
I think me... but he's catching up.

Who is the neat-freak?
Kelby.

Who is the most stubborn?
Me.

Who hogs the bed?
Also me...

Who wakes up earlier?
guess, since I'm the one always waking him up, that's me.

Where was your first date?
I don't actually remember... I can only remember asking him out to a party, but I don't know if that is a "date"

Who said I Love You first?
Kelby

Who has the bigger family?
They are about the same... and equally crazy.

Who gives flowers the most often?
Him... because he's one it once.

How do you spend Thanksgiving?
Last year it was at our house, and if he wasn't gone on tour we would have done the same thing.

Who is more jealous?
I guess if it has to be someone it's me...

Do you have little pet names for each other?
Don't you worry about that... :)

How long did it take to get serious?
not very long... maybe a month!?

Who eats more?
Me.

Who sings better?
Since we're both singers, I better not answer this...

Who’s older?
Kelby by a couple months.

Who does the laundry?
I do.

Who does the dishes?
He does.

Who’s better with the computer?
Kelby knows what to do... I am the one breaking it.

Who drives?
We take the Subway. That way... no one needs a designated driver!

Who picks where you go to dinner?
it's pretty equal, although I tend to veto more then he does.

Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
Kelby. It's something I'm working on :)

Who named your pet?
no pet... yet.

Who kissed who first?
Kelby kissed me first.

Who has more tattoos?
we're both tattoo free...

Who eats more sweets?
Kelby

Who cries more?
me.

Who's the traditionalist?
Kelby

Who's the most sentimental?
Me. I mean... I am the one filling out surveys.

Now that the dust has settled....

2008-11-25T20:47:00.004-05:00

Now that the dust has settled a bit after Prop 8 passing, I feel like I can say something. Or rather, I feel like I have something to say. I was shocked that it passed. And the few times I went to write on here, I couldn't get anything out. It just felt weird to talk about my engagement in the face of all this hate and craziness that just happened.

Now, that said, while I feel very confused by the whole thing, the sky hasn't fallen down. I'm still here. I still love my man. And I still plan on getting married.

Those first few days after it passed were hard though.

It felt like that in the face of this amazing change of government, the LGBT community got left behind. And there was nothing we could do. Of course the public outcry across the country was truly awe inspiring, and brought us closer together, but it was too little too late. And we will have to wait until the next election year for anything to happen.

But this time has been harder for me because Kelby has not been with me. I may have mentioned before, but if I didn't, Kelby is an actor and I'm a piano player/music director for theatre. Kelby recently booked a national tour (yay!), and left at the beginning of this month before the election (sad!). Luckily his contract is short, and he's only needed through the end of Decemember. Just in time to fly home together and see the family. But we won't really have any alone time together until the new year.

But we talk all the time and text even more. We send each other links about interesting articles, sites, or crazy photos we find (basically, the stuff we would have just told each other over dinner.) We chat online... all the things long distant couples do I guess.

This month been hard, but it's not the first time we've been apart. Last year, towards the end of winter and through spring, we both had jobs that took us out of the city. He was on a tour that took him all over the midwest and east coast, and I got a job music directing in Indiana. We were extremely lucky that our contracts took us out of town for basically the same amount of time. And we were both so busy that, while we missed each other, we had things to busy our time.

Don't get me wrong, I am nothing more than estatic for Kelby getting this job, I am more sad I'm here in New York doing nothing. While I have a couple small gigs playing piano for various things, they are not full time, and I spend my time at my day job. He'll be back soon enough though to brighten my day and give me someone to nag at because the garbage hasn't been taken out. (I can't nag myself when I don't take it out.)

Even though our plans for a government recognized marriage may be up in the air, the plans we have for committing to each other are still there. And no amount of separation or vote can take that away.

Change on the Horizon...

2008-11-05T08:08:00.007-05:00

Here we are.

After what seems like the longest election process ever, we are finally done.

I am extremly overjoyed at Barack Obama's tremendous win over John McCain, and can not wait to have him in office.

Of course, like probably much of you, I'm also saddened by the news of Prop 8's passage in California.

What this means exactly for Kelby and I and our future is unclear. We did promise ourselves that we would work on our own time table and not try to rush anything. We wanted to do things right. Despite my fears, I was pretty sure that it was going to pass. Most of Kelby and I's prelimary plans revolved around a California wedding and New York reception. And now... Here we are.

An engaged couple with no hope of a wedding, or a legal one at least. Even though we told ourselves that it didn't matter if it was "real" or not, and we would work on our own schedule, it's a big set back and I can't help but feel ripped off.

I hope that this battle isn't done in California or elsewhere. I pray that New York (or NYC at least) can push something thru sometime soon. But with all these "almosts" I'm starting to be a person who says "I'll believe it when I see it."

But we are not alone. There are plenty of people who support gay rights. Facebook status' just in the past couple hours show the shock and disappointment in yesterdays historic election.

Jesse is SO excited about our country's President Elect!!! OBAMA!!!!! However, saddened by the surprising amount of fear & ignorance in CA, AZ, & FL.

Zach is reminding you to make sure and vote- yesterday!! Go back in time. Do it. Especially if you're in California and voting NO on Prop. 8

Jennifer is wishing her vote could have gone toward prop 8. C'mon, California--what the hell???
Carla hopes that all who voted Yes on 8 at least wear their bigotry and discrimination with pride.

Kenneth is confused that in the midst of change, California has proven itself to not acknowledge basic civil rights!

And they go on and on... While change is coming (thank God), some of us seem to standing still.

Catching the Bouquet

2008-10-29T08:15:00.003-04:00

Kelby and I were offered some comp tickets through a friend to see a press performance of a new musical opening here in New York, Romantic Poetry. We were very excited to see it, since we loved the work of the playwright and composer, John Patrick Shanley (Doubt, Moonstruck) and Henry Kreiger (Dreamgirls, Side Show).

And while it wasn't a very good show at all (disappointing really...) something kind of amazing happened during the show.

At one point there is a bride onstage, the scene takes place after her wedding. And at the end of the song, there is a big finish and she throws her bouquet into the audience.

And guess what? I totally caught it.

Actually, it kind of landed with a thud into my lap, I didn't "catch" it. In fact I was terrified because I wasn't expecting to have anything thrown at me. But was so elated that I ended up with it.

I guess that makes me the bride.

It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World...

2008-10-27T00:36:00.007-04:00

As I watched the season finale of Mad Men tonight, I couldn't help but be moved by the sense of fear that these people living in the early 60's had about Cuba and "the bomb." People were absolutely terrified.

Looking back of course, we know it was silly and that people over reacted, but in the moment, fear like that can't be helped. And of course, the parallels of our fear in a post 9/11 world, only make that sense of fear resonate even more. But it's not the only parallel.

After the episode, I jumped on the computer like I do before I go to bed and I came across this article about Prop 8 in the NYTimes.

Now, I already knew this deep inside, but it is still amazing to me how much Prop 8 is all about fear. Or rather, how fear is being used as a tactic by the people who oppose gay marriage.

And I'm scared too. Just for different reasons.

Prop 8 is big. It's huge. The article says, that in a very real way, California is a trend setter for the country, and in a de facto way, the world. So if Prop 8 is struck down and marriage for everyone is preserved, it's huge. And if it passes... God help us. That is a scary thought that I can't even begin to think about right now.

One of the more frightening items in the article is when it states "one thing [both sides] agree: Polls in every other state that has had a marriage amendment on the ballot have consistently undercounted voters who oppose same-sex marriage by significant percentages."

And while life today is better for gays and lesbians then the life presented for the closeted gays in Mad Men we have a ways to go and this is a major chance to secure rights for our future. I don't want us to lose it. Fear is everywhere right now like it's the new black. It's out of control.

But dispite this overwhellming fear, I remain positive that the right thing will happen come Nov. 4th. It has to, right?

I had no intention of making this blog political. I wanted to be about my wedding, details like Kelby's mom driving me nuts, napkin rings, etc. But like I've said before, by it's very nature my life is political. But no matter the outcome, Kelby and I will get married and live as happily ever after as we can.

(And I don't think the Earth will crumble. That much I'm not scared of.)

Being Bi... (coastal that is)

2008-10-18T10:03:00.010-04:00

Kelby and I moved to New York together two years ago this November from California. It's been such an amazing journey together. We had lived together in California for about two years, so living together in NY wasn't a big deal. Getting adjusted to no car, to snow, to the crowds, etc. was the hard part.

We had plenty of friends who already lived in New York which made life much easier. While having each other was very luckily, we had a small network of friends already set up, including my best friend from second grade Celeste.

And over the past two years we've built up an even larger network of friends, and friends of friends, whom we want to include in celebrating our wedding. BUT we also want our family there, and my family and Kelby's family all live in California. And we still have a number of friends who live in California.

So, while we haven't decided on anything official yet, we think we're going to do a bi-coastal wedding.

We'll have a ceremony in California (with or without prop 8) with our family and invite all of our NY friends (not really expecting many to come, since airfare is what it is, and my friends like myself are all poor) and do a small reception. This will be more like a family, intimate celebration. No dancing or crazy favors, just food, cake, and some catching up with relatives you see at funerals and, well... weddings.

Then fly back to NY and have the party part of the reception with all my NY friends (and invite whatever family and California friends who want to come.) We figure this way, everyone can get to be a part of it, without pressuring anyone to buy a plane ticket across the country and a hotel, if they can't afford it.

By doing this, we're also throwing two small parties as opposed to one large one. Which at least in my head is less expensive. We'll see... I have yet to pick up a phone and call anybody about prices... so... I'll have to keep you updated on that.

But now that I have a rough sketch of "plot points" I think we can now start to flesh out the plans, and get working on a date. (Something for Late Summer, Fall-ish next year.)

Facebook/Faceoff

2008-10-17T00:39:00.007-04:00

So, speaking of Facebook, an interesting thing happened the other day online.
A person I am hardly friends with (the younger sister of a friend from elementary school) sent me and a group of others a message on Facebook with the subject line: This is about our future as citizens of the United State of America!!

Being a good citizen, I of course care about the future of my country, so I open it immediately.

"Ok so I never do this. I had to email you because I think this issue is one that will affect us for the rest of our lives. I know I haven't talked to many of you in years [...] whatever the story, it doesn't matter. What matters is what is going to happen if we, as citizens of the United States of America, don't get out and vote on November the 4th"

Instantly I can tell that it's a message that she has copy and pasted from somewhere and is forwarding it to her friends. But am delighted in it's patriotic intentions. I read on:

"It doesn't matter what denomination you are, what religion you are or aren't, what political party you belong to, what matters is what happens if we don't unite to pass Prop 8. Prop 8 is a proposition protecting Marriage saying it is between a man and a woman."

I had to stop and reread that last sentence "between a man and a woman?!" This girl really sent me a message urging people in California to vote Yes on Prop 8 which would take away the right of gay and lesbian people in California to get married?!

The scary truth is, she did send it. The message goes on to talk about this and that, how gay marriage is wrong, how our children will suffer, etc. No need to go into details, we've heard them all before. [Just in case you don't know, recently in California denying gay marriage was ruled unconstitutional by it's Supreme Court. So, since you can't undo that, anti-gay groups are now trying to change to constitution of California itself, so that it defines marriage between a man and a woman, making the ruling void. See No on 8 for more details. (I'm also originally from California, which is how I know this girl, and likely where I would get married since my family is there.)]

To say the message upset me was an understatement. It threw me for a curve. I of course know that there are people out there who don't like the idea of two people of the same sex getting married, I know that.

But now it had a face. It was this friend of mine's little sister. She was saying it. Not some faceless evil people I don't know, but someone who's family I grew up with. It was unsettling. And because I felt that I needed to say something, I did. I couldn't just let that hang out there.
I resisted the urge to hit "reply all" and sent her a private message explaining my opinions and that I think she is entitled to hers, and we can agree to disagree, but to please not include me in any more anti-gay emails.

I did not get a reply from her and I figured the matter was done. Until a person who was included on that email replied all and wrote "I agree."

I agree!??!

Those two words were so scary for me. This person agreed with her. And again, I know there are LOTS of people out there who agree with that, but this is more personal. Then another agreed. And another. One person did stand up for it, but was such a bad writer, I couldn't let them be the sole voice for my side.

I had to chime in. I ended up writing a mini essay (which was not what I wanted to do. I'm sure I came across as one of those angry gays) and I was expecting a fight...

To my surprise no one responded to it. Either I'm the best debater in the world and I won (yeah right!) or they were equally off put (as I was) by my side having a face; an actual person who this proposition would affect. Not faceless couples who they are denying marriage to, but to me. Of course I'll never know, but I wonder what went through that girls head, and the others who responded, when they read my messages.

What NOT to wear...

2008-10-06T23:40:00.004-04:00

I don't know what I want... but I know what I don't want.

This seems to be a theme in my life right now.

I have no idea what I want to do as far as a wedding is concerned. When I think about colors or flowers, or even just the simple concept of a reception my head starts to spin at the choices.

I was going though websites the other day and was so overwhelmed by all the options I just closed my laptop. I couldn't take it.

So as if to clear my mind, I went back to my not-so-close friend's gay wedding pictures that I found online. And a funny thing happened. I started making decisions. I suddenly was that much closer to knowing what I wanted.

Mostly because I thought that everything he did was awful.

Just taking one look at his flowers, his tux, his bridesmaids (groomsmaids?) dresses, his colors, even his haircut... I knew that those were things I did NOT want.

Talking to my friend close friend Valarie (who is getting married herself in a few months) about this, she laughed and said the same thing happened to her. Being a girly girl, she had her wedding planned since she was one. She knew exactly what flowers, what colors, what Church, what everything!

Then the minute it became reality, that everything went out the window. She was starting from scratch. And she said it was mostly a result of seeing that it might come true, and realizing that it's completely wrong.

When I saw those photos and put my and Kelby's heads in those tuxes, in front of those flowers next to those bridesmaids dresses, I was horrified.

But the light at the end of the tunnel is that I now have those things checked off my list. While I don't know where the end is, I am that much closer.

Forget Invitations... Can't I just create an event on Facebook?!

2008-09-30T18:42:00.003-04:00

Of course I really don't want to just create an event for my wedding, I will probably be classy and use Evite. Just kidding...

I've mentioned before that I purposefully did not post my engagement on facebook or myspace because I've wanted to tell my close friends in person or those who live far away in a phone call. And now that they've all been informed, I'm debating putting the announcement on facebook.

Even though I am an avid (or is it rabid?) social network-er, this feels too personal to just put out there other information like "Josh really hates the new facebook" or "Celeste just became of fan of Rachel Maddow."

But it also is the easiest way for me to tell all the peripheral friends what's happening in my life.

When I explain this quandary to my parents they don't get it. They say in the same conversation to tell everyone, and when I argue that they say don't tell anyone. Which I think brings up an interesting difference in generations as far as communication goes.

They don't talk to the people they went to high school with, let alone elementary school with. But I am "friends" with people I went to 2nd grade with and while we don't talk all the time, I do stalk them as I'm sure they occasionally stalk me, and I feel this is an important update in the scheme of my life. These peripheral people are still around and in my life, unlike my parents lives. I don't have to wait for the 10 year reunion to see how they are doing. I'm watching them get fat and old, successful and rich, and married and divorced with every status change.

So... the jury is out right now on if to post or not to post. But I'm leaning to posting my engagement. I don't want to blindside everyone in the future and not know that I got married and have my status change to "Adam is celebrating his 20th wedding anniversary with his three kids at Olive Garden"

Wait... YOU'RE getting gay-married too?

2008-09-26T08:17:00.002-04:00

As a prospective bride-groom, everything in my world is now seen through the tint of marriage. I can't help it! It's on my mind... at least at the moment. I go through these phases where everything seems to relate directly to me and my upcoming nuptials, then a phase where nothing seems to relate to me and it's a little overwhelming.

If this seems self centered... well... it is.

I wish I could stop it but for right now, I can't. So imagine my shock and utter surprise when I log on to myspace (which I hardly do anymore) only to be greeted by photos of an acquaintance who lives in California's... wait for it... photos of his GAY WEDDING!

I didn't know what to say. A million things ran though my head. Shock. Happiness. Awe. Envy. "Glad to see him settle down," "His husband is cute!" "Oh my gosh, did they really choose that as their bridesmaids dresses?"

Basically, I was at once happy for him and angry as all hell.

Of course, I wish him and his new husband the best. (We're not real friend friends by any means. We went to college together and have not really stayed in touch at all, hence I didn't know he was married until myspace told me.)

But it also deeply troubled me that someone else I knew was gay married before me. I have a few friends who are married or who are going to get married in the upcoming year but they are straight, and although the prospect of being something of a "trailblazer" in my circle of friends was daunting, I was excited.

Now that was taken away from me.

Am I being unreasonable? Of course. But I'm also just saying what I feel. I wish I was the first young person I know to get gay married.

But we do need to stick together after all. There are so few young gay couples out there tying the knot, so I will definitely try to choose the high road and get over myself and befriend them.

(Emphasis on "try".)

Compliments...

2008-09-19T09:06:00.001-04:00

I got my first complement on my ring today.

I know it's such a small thing. But it really made my day!

Now, I know I'm a man. But part of me is that girl that wants everyone to just gush over my ring, and jump up and down at the prospect of my beautiful fairy tale engagement.

But part of the territory of being a gay man means I don't really get a "rock" to gush over. I don't have a big princess cut diamond to show off, and to be honest would feel totally silly if I did. (although I'm sure some guy somewhere has one, and I'm jealous.) My ring is just a simple, plain white gold band. Understated and masculine, but shiny and reflective enough to give a little glamour to my otherwise unadorned hands.

I love it. And loved it even more when someone one told me that it was "beautiful."

I'm just getting married, not taking a stand. Or am I?

2008-09-17T23:39:00.000-04:00

Gay marriage in the United States seems to be a reality. It's certainly something that I feel will happen in my lifetime. Maybe not at the federal level, but at least a handful of states will adopt it and be a place for gay people to show their love for one another publicly and legally.

But that's in the future. Right now, it is a very polarizing issue in the country.

And what's even more weird is that for me, is that this political issue is about my life. My future. It's about the person I have fallen in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with.

When I say I'm engaged, I don't want to make someone uncomfortable by forcing them to "side" with gay marriage and say "congratulations." But I also don't want to invite the kind of ugly and hate that can also come from announcing my upcoming marriage to another man. Now while telling someone isn't necessarily making them side either way, their reaction actually does show which side they are on.

So I'm mindful of who I tell. Of course most of the people I invite into my life are like-minded people who would only be happy for me, and who view the ring on my left hand as the symbol of love and commitment that it is, and not as a political issue. And I'm not a person to just tell everyone (I didn't post it on facebook) so generally I'm fine.

But the odd times I'm "outted" by my ring in front of people I don't know, there is always a moment of "are you with me or against me?" that goes through my head.

It's sort of like saying you're for one presidential candidate only to quickly realize, everyone else around you is voting the opposite of you.

It can be hard. While in my small bubble of a world, I'm 100% safe and supported, it's hard to keep in mind that it's just me and my guy, when it seems like half the country is against you. Marriage is just about the two of us, not about forging a new path or being political.

But by the simple act of pledging our lives to one another we are being political. We are forging a new path. Together.

Coming Out of the Engagement Closet

2008-09-15T08:23:00.000-04:00

After my boyfriend proposed, I had to get on the phone and call my mom and my best friend Celeste.

I called my mom first and told her "I'm going to get married. Kelby asked me tonight, and I said yes."

While I was not 100% surprised that I was asked to get married as I've talked about it before with Kelby, I was surprised at my mother's reaction.

"Oh... that's great."

It wasn't said sarcastically or meant to be rude, and she genuinly meant what she said. But her reaction wasn't jumping up and down and screaming "I'm so happy for you" proceeded by tears of joy. I don't know what I was expecting because my mother isn't a "screamer" but I was extremely disappointed by her lack of enthusiasm.

My parents love Kelby and ask how he's doing often. When they've come to New York to visit it's always a wonderful time with the four of us, so I know it's not the that. My mom said that she "wasn't surprised" that we were going to get married and that she was happy and excited for us.

I mean, we've been together for over 4 years, I guess that's what people do after a long period of time. So it's not really a shocker, but does that explain her underwhelemed reaction?

After my mom, I called my best friend Celeste. The reaction was roughly the same. (Although the next day she called and did a little jumping up and down.)

I was at lunch with another friend, and after I told him and he congratulated me, the topic quickly changed to random happenings in his life and drama at work and not brought up again.

And actually, it was the same with most of my friends. The only people who were overly excited were my peripheral friends, people at work, or friends of friends. These people who I hardly know, would jump up and down and scream "I'm so happy for you" followed by tears of joy.

Has the self-centered "Bridezilla" in me started already? Am I going to be that person who gets upset because no one is acknowledging this major milestone in my life?

I'm constantly telling myself that it's not about people's reaction, that's certainly not why I'm getting married. I'm getting married because I want to spend the rest of my life with this man whom I love. But when I tell people that I'm engaged and I get nothing... I can't help but be bothered by it.

The Proposal

2008-09-14T14:05:00.000-04:00

I'm only 24. Which I consider still young, yet old enough to be an adult. I sure don't feel like an adult, but as the days and months seem to fly by, I slowly pick up evidence of the fact that I am indeed, well on to my way of becoming an adult.

Friends and cousins are getting married, others are having babies, and unfortunately relatives and older people I know are passing on. It's life. It's what happens. But its very different when it starts to happen to you.

I've had one close friend get married and two are currently engaged and planning to get married in the next year. So I am undeniably at that new frontier in my life where as mid-twenty-somethings, that's what we do.

Except I'm gay.

Not that being gay is bad. Things are certainly easier today, and have changed drastically during my 24 years on Earth. But when it comes to these traditional white-picket-American-Dream style things (marriage, 2.5 kids, etc.) I'm conflicted.I want all those things, but by my very nature, I'm not "traditional."

Imagine my surprise when my boyfriend, whom I live with and have been together for over 4 years, did the most traditional thing a man could do. He proposed to me last week.

I replied an immediate yes and so happy. I am completly in love with him. And the proposal wasn't a complete surprise. It was something we have seriously talked about. But I was so over the moon that I didn't really have time to think... until now.

Do not get me wrong. I love him and want nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with him. But growing up, getting married wasn't really an option for me. Gay marriage is new. So as a kid, I didn't fantizise about my big fat gay wedding I was going to have. And now as it's becoming an reality thoughts are running through my head... Do I wear white? Does he? What about wedding parties, do we both have best men? and a million others...

Anyone who has seen an episode of Bridezilla knows that getting engaged and planning a wedding is hard, but I think doing all that and being gay I'm realizing is even harder.