Now that the dust has settled....

Now that the dust has settled a bit after Prop 8 passing, I feel like I can say something. Or rather, I feel like I have something to say. I was shocked that it passed. And the few times I went to write on here, I couldn't get anything out. It just felt weird to talk about my engagement in the face of all this hate and craziness that just happened.

Now, that said, while I feel very confused by the whole thing, the sky hasn't fallen down. I'm still here. I still love my man. And I still plan on getting married.

Those first few days after it passed were hard though.

It felt like that in the face of this amazing change of government, the LGBT community got left behind. And there was nothing we could do. Of course the public outcry across the country was truly awe inspiring, and brought us closer together, but it was too little too late. And we will have to wait until the next election year for anything to happen.

But this time has been harder for me because Kelby has not been with me. I may have mentioned before, but if I didn't, Kelby is an actor and I'm a piano player/music director for theatre. Kelby recently booked a national tour (yay!), and left at the beginning of this month before the election (sad!). Luckily his contract is short, and he's only needed through the end of Decemember. Just in time to fly home together and see the family. But we won't really have any alone time together until the new year.

But we talk all the time and text even more. We send each other links about interesting articles, sites, or crazy photos we find (basically, the stuff we would have just told each other over dinner.) We chat online... all the things long distant couples do I guess.

This month been hard, but it's not the first time we've been apart. Last year, towards the end of winter and through spring, we both had jobs that took us out of the city. He was on a tour that took him all over the midwest and east coast, and I got a job music directing in Indiana. We were extremely lucky that our contracts took us out of town for basically the same amount of time. And we were both so busy that, while we missed each other, we had things to busy our time.

Don't get me wrong, I am nothing more than estatic for Kelby getting this job, I am more sad I'm here in New York doing nothing. While I have a couple small gigs playing piano for various things, they are not full time, and I spend my time at my day job. He'll be back soon enough though to brighten my day and give me someone to nag at because the garbage hasn't been taken out. (I can't nag myself when I don't take it out.)

Even though our plans for a government recognized marriage may be up in the air, the plans we have for committing to each other are still there. And no amount of separation or vote can take that away.

Change on the Horizon...

Here we are.

After what seems like the longest election process ever, we are finally done.

I am extremly overjoyed at Barack Obama's tremendous win over John McCain, and can not wait to have him in office.

Of course, like probably much of you, I'm also saddened by the news of Prop 8's passage in California.

What this means exactly for Kelby and I and our future is unclear. We did promise ourselves that we would work on our own time table and not try to rush anything. We wanted to do things right. Despite my fears, I was pretty sure that it was going to pass. Most of Kelby and I's prelimary plans revolved around a California wedding and New York reception. And now... Here we are.

An engaged couple with no hope of a wedding, or a legal one at least. Even though we told ourselves that it didn't matter if it was "real" or not, and we would work on our own schedule, it's a big set back and I can't help but feel ripped off.

I hope that this battle isn't done in California or elsewhere. I pray that New York (or NYC at least) can push something thru sometime soon. But with all these "almosts" I'm starting to be a person who says "I'll believe it when I see it."

But we are not alone. There are plenty of people who support gay rights. Facebook status' just in the past couple hours show the shock and disappointment in yesterdays historic election.

Jesse is SO excited about our country's President Elect!!! OBAMA!!!!! However, saddened by the surprising amount of fear & ignorance in CA, AZ, & FL.

Zach is reminding you to make sure and vote- yesterday!! Go back in time. Do it. Especially if you're in California and voting NO on Prop. 8

Jennifer is wishing her vote could have gone toward prop 8. C'mon, California--what the hell???
Carla hopes that all who voted Yes on 8 at least wear their bigotry and discrimination with pride.

Kenneth is confused that in the midst of change, California has proven itself to not acknowledge basic civil rights!

And they go on and on... While change is coming (thank God), some of us seem to standing still.

It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World...

As I watched the season finale of Mad Men tonight, I couldn't help but be moved by the sense of fear that these people living in the early 60's had about Cuba and "the bomb." People were absolutely terrified.

Looking back of course, we know it was silly and that people over reacted, but in the moment, fear like that can't be helped. And of course, the parallels of our fear in a post 9/11 world, only make that sense of fear resonate even more. But it's not the only parallel.

After the episode, I jumped on the computer like I do before I go to bed and I came across this article about Prop 8 in the NYTimes.

Now, I already knew this deep inside, but it is still amazing to me how much Prop 8 is all about fear. Or rather, how fear is being used as a tactic by the people who oppose gay marriage.

And I'm scared too. Just for different reasons.

Prop 8 is big. It's huge. The article says, that in a very real way, California is a trend setter for the country, and in a de facto way, the world. So if Prop 8 is struck down and marriage for everyone is preserved, it's huge. And if it passes... God help us. That is a scary thought that I can't even begin to think about right now.

One of the more frightening items in the article is when it states "one thing [both sides] agree: Polls in every other state that has had a marriage amendment on the ballot have consistently undercounted voters who oppose same-sex marriage by significant percentages."

And while life today is better for gays and lesbians then the life presented for the closeted gays in Mad Men we have a ways to go and this is a major chance to secure rights for our future. I don't want us to lose it. Fear is everywhere right now like it's the new black. It's out of control.

But dispite this overwhellming fear, I remain positive that the right thing will happen come Nov. 4th. It has to, right?

I had no intention of making this blog political. I wanted to be about my wedding, details like Kelby's mom driving me nuts, napkin rings, etc. But like I've said before, by it's very nature my life is political. But no matter the outcome, Kelby and I will get married and live as happily ever after as we can.

(And I don't think the Earth will crumble. That much I'm not scared of.)

Facebook/Faceoff

So, speaking of Facebook, an interesting thing happened the other day online.
A person I am hardly friends with (the younger sister of a friend from elementary school) sent me and a group of others a message on Facebook with the subject line: This is about our future as citizens of the United State of America!!

Being a good citizen, I of course care about the future of my country, so I open it immediately.

"Ok so I never do this. I had to email you because I think this issue is one that will affect us for the rest of our lives. I know I haven't talked to many of you in years [...] whatever the story, it doesn't matter. What matters is what is going to happen if we, as citizens of the United States of America, don't get out and vote on November the 4th"

Instantly I can tell that it's a message that she has copy and pasted from somewhere and is forwarding it to her friends. But am delighted in it's patriotic intentions. I read on:

"It doesn't matter what denomination you are, what religion you are or aren't, what political party you belong to, what matters is what happens if we don't unite to pass Prop 8. Prop 8 is a proposition protecting Marriage saying it is between a man and a woman."

I had to stop and reread that last sentence "between a man and a woman?!" This girl really sent me a message urging people in California to vote Yes on Prop 8 which would take away the right of gay and lesbian people in California to get married?!

The scary truth is, she did send it. The message goes on to talk about this and that, how gay marriage is wrong, how our children will suffer, etc. No need to go into details, we've heard them all before. [Just in case you don't know, recently in California denying gay marriage was ruled unconstitutional by it's Supreme Court. So, since you can't undo that, anti-gay groups are now trying to change to constitution of California itself, so that it defines marriage between a man and a woman, making the ruling void. See No on 8 for more details. (I'm also originally from California, which is how I know this girl, and likely where I would get married since my family is there.)]

To say the message upset me was an understatement. It threw me for a curve. I of course know that there are people out there who don't like the idea of two people of the same sex getting married, I know that.

But now it had a face. It was this friend of mine's little sister. She was saying it. Not some faceless evil people I don't know, but someone who's family I grew up with. It was unsettling. And because I felt that I needed to say something, I did. I couldn't just let that hang out there.
I resisted the urge to hit "reply all" and sent her a private message explaining my opinions and that I think she is entitled to hers, and we can agree to disagree, but to please not include me in any more anti-gay emails.

I did not get a reply from her and I figured the matter was done. Until a person who was included on that email replied all and wrote "I agree."

I agree!??!

Those two words were so scary for me. This person agreed with her. And again, I know there are LOTS of people out there who agree with that, but this is more personal. Then another agreed. And another. One person did stand up for it, but was such a bad writer, I couldn't let them be the sole voice for my side.

I had to chime in. I ended up writing a mini essay (which was not what I wanted to do. I'm sure I came across as one of those angry gays) and I was expecting a fight...

To my surprise no one responded to it. Either I'm the best debater in the world and I won (yeah right!) or they were equally off put (as I was) by my side having a face; an actual person who this proposition would affect. Not faceless couples who they are denying marriage to, but to me. Of course I'll never know, but I wonder what went through that girls head, and the others who responded, when they read my messages.

I'm just getting married, not taking a stand. Or am I?

Gay marriage in the United States seems to be a reality. It's certainly something that I feel will happen in my lifetime. Maybe not at the federal level, but at least a handful of states will adopt it and be a place for gay people to show their love for one another publicly and legally.

But that's in the future. Right now, it is a very polarizing issue in the country.

And what's even more weird is that for me, is that this political issue is about my life. My future. It's about the person I have fallen in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with.

When I say I'm engaged, I don't want to make someone uncomfortable by forcing them to "side" with gay marriage and say "congratulations." But I also don't want to invite the kind of ugly and hate that can also come from announcing my upcoming marriage to another man. Now while telling someone isn't necessarily making them side either way, their reaction actually does show which side they are on.

So I'm mindful of who I tell. Of course most of the people I invite into my life are like-minded people who would only be happy for me, and who view the ring on my left hand as the symbol of love and commitment that it is, and not as a political issue. And I'm not a person to just tell everyone (I didn't post it on facebook) so generally I'm fine.

But the odd times I'm "outted" by my ring in front of people I don't know, there is always a moment of "are you with me or against me?" that goes through my head.

It's sort of like saying you're for one presidential candidate only to quickly realize, everyone else around you is voting the opposite of you.

It can be hard. While in my small bubble of a world, I'm 100% safe and supported, it's hard to keep in mind that it's just me and my guy, when it seems like half the country is against you. Marriage is just about the two of us, not about forging a new path or being political.

But by the simple act of pledging our lives to one another we are being political. We are forging a new path. Together.