Love not valid until a date TBD.

I was talking with my friend Celeste about my engagement the other day and ended up talking about gay marriage and relationships in general. When prop 8's passage came up she lamented that "those gay people out there who have been together for years, and still don't have any legal protection. That they can't go see their partner in the hospital" etc...

And with her saying that, it highlighted something that I feel like I always knew, but wasn't able to put into words.

Which is that Love between gay people isn't considered valid until they have been together for about 20 years.

And I guess it makes sense. When it comes to a life of commitment, it isn't 2 months, or even the 4 plus years Kelby and I have spent together. A life of commitment is... well a LIFEtime together. But how does anyone prove it without spending 20+ years together to make others know that your love is real? Because Kelby and I's love for each other is just as valid and serious as people who have been together forever... right?

Once when I talked to my mom about getting married, she seemed really unsure. Almost to the point of telling me not to get married to Kelby. But it's tricky. I wonder, does she not like me getting married because I'm gay? Or is she just another mother reacting to the fact that her son is getting married and that in her eyes no one is good enough for her son?

Young people get married all the time, and lots of people question if they will make it (Engaged & Underage anyone?). And no one really knows if anyone will make it until they actually make it. So are my mom's doubts (and societies' doubts about young gay love) valid or is this just par for the course or getting married.

While I can't say which it is, my conversation with Celeste made me realize I can help change that idea with my commitment to Kelby and by getting married young.

I don't know exactly what the future holds for us, but I do know that I love Kelby. And no one can say that it's not valid because it's new.

Now that the dust has settled....

Now that the dust has settled a bit after Prop 8 passing, I feel like I can say something. Or rather, I feel like I have something to say. I was shocked that it passed. And the few times I went to write on here, I couldn't get anything out. It just felt weird to talk about my engagement in the face of all this hate and craziness that just happened.

Now, that said, while I feel very confused by the whole thing, the sky hasn't fallen down. I'm still here. I still love my man. And I still plan on getting married.

Those first few days after it passed were hard though.

It felt like that in the face of this amazing change of government, the LGBT community got left behind. And there was nothing we could do. Of course the public outcry across the country was truly awe inspiring, and brought us closer together, but it was too little too late. And we will have to wait until the next election year for anything to happen.

But this time has been harder for me because Kelby has not been with me. I may have mentioned before, but if I didn't, Kelby is an actor and I'm a piano player/music director for theatre. Kelby recently booked a national tour (yay!), and left at the beginning of this month before the election (sad!). Luckily his contract is short, and he's only needed through the end of Decemember. Just in time to fly home together and see the family. But we won't really have any alone time together until the new year.

But we talk all the time and text even more. We send each other links about interesting articles, sites, or crazy photos we find (basically, the stuff we would have just told each other over dinner.) We chat online... all the things long distant couples do I guess.

This month been hard, but it's not the first time we've been apart. Last year, towards the end of winter and through spring, we both had jobs that took us out of the city. He was on a tour that took him all over the midwest and east coast, and I got a job music directing in Indiana. We were extremely lucky that our contracts took us out of town for basically the same amount of time. And we were both so busy that, while we missed each other, we had things to busy our time.

Don't get me wrong, I am nothing more than estatic for Kelby getting this job, I am more sad I'm here in New York doing nothing. While I have a couple small gigs playing piano for various things, they are not full time, and I spend my time at my day job. He'll be back soon enough though to brighten my day and give me someone to nag at because the garbage hasn't been taken out. (I can't nag myself when I don't take it out.)

Even though our plans for a government recognized marriage may be up in the air, the plans we have for committing to each other are still there. And no amount of separation or vote can take that away.

Catching the Bouquet

Kelby and I were offered some comp tickets through a friend to see a press performance of a new musical opening here in New York, Romantic Poetry. We were very excited to see it, since we loved the work of the playwright and composer, John Patrick Shanley (Doubt, Moonstruck) and Henry Kreiger (Dreamgirls, Side Show).

And while it wasn't a very good show at all (disappointing really...) something kind of amazing happened during the show.

At one point there is a bride onstage, the scene takes place after her wedding. And at the end of the song, there is a big finish and she throws her bouquet into the audience.

And guess what? I totally caught it.

Actually, it kind of landed with a thud into my lap, I didn't "catch" it. In fact I was terrified because I wasn't expecting to have anything thrown at me. But was so elated that I ended up with it.

I guess that makes me the bride.

What NOT to wear...

I don't know what I want... but I know what I don't want.

This seems to be a theme in my life right now.

I have no idea what I want to do as far as a wedding is concerned. When I think about colors or flowers, or even just the simple concept of a reception my head starts to spin at the choices.

I was going though websites the other day and was so overwhelmed by all the options I just closed my laptop. I couldn't take it.

So as if to clear my mind, I went back to my not-so-close friend's gay wedding pictures that I found online. And a funny thing happened. I started making decisions. I suddenly was that much closer to knowing what I wanted.

Mostly because I thought that everything he did was awful.

Just taking one look at his flowers, his tux, his bridesmaids (groomsmaids?) dresses, his colors, even his haircut... I knew that those were things I did NOT want.

Talking to my friend close friend Valarie (who is getting married herself in a few months) about this, she laughed and said the same thing happened to her. Being a girly girl, she had her wedding planned since she was one. She knew exactly what flowers, what colors, what Church, what everything!

Then the minute it became reality, that everything went out the window. She was starting from scratch. And she said it was mostly a result of seeing that it might come true, and realizing that it's completely wrong.

When I saw those photos and put my and Kelby's heads in those tuxes, in front of those flowers next to those bridesmaids dresses, I was horrified.

But the light at the end of the tunnel is that I now have those things checked off my list. While I don't know where the end is, I am that much closer.

Forget Invitations... Can't I just create an event on Facebook?!

Of course I really don't want to just create an event for my wedding, I will probably be classy and use Evite. Just kidding...

I've mentioned before that I purposefully did not post my engagement on facebook or myspace because I've wanted to tell my close friends in person or those who live far away in a phone call. And now that they've all been informed, I'm debating putting the announcement on facebook.

Even though I am an avid (or is it rabid?) social network-er, this feels too personal to just put out there other information like "Josh really hates the new facebook" or "Celeste just became of fan of Rachel Maddow."

But it also is the easiest way for me to tell all the peripheral friends what's happening in my life.

When I explain this quandary to my parents they don't get it. They say in the same conversation to tell everyone, and when I argue that they say don't tell anyone. Which I think brings up an interesting difference in generations as far as communication goes.

They don't talk to the people they went to high school with, let alone elementary school with. But I am "friends" with people I went to 2nd grade with and while we don't talk all the time, I do stalk them as I'm sure they occasionally stalk me, and I feel this is an important update in the scheme of my life. These peripheral people are still around and in my life, unlike my parents lives. I don't have to wait for the 10 year reunion to see how they are doing. I'm watching them get fat and old, successful and rich, and married and divorced with every status change.

So... the jury is out right now on if to post or not to post. But I'm leaning to posting my engagement. I don't want to blindside everyone in the future and not know that I got married and have my status change to "Adam is celebrating his 20th wedding anniversary with his three kids at Olive Garden"

Wait... YOU'RE getting gay-married too?

As a prospective bride-groom, everything in my world is now seen through the tint of marriage. I can't help it! It's on my mind... at least at the moment. I go through these phases where everything seems to relate directly to me and my upcoming nuptials, then a phase where nothing seems to relate to me and it's a little overwhelming.

If this seems self centered... well... it is.

I wish I could stop it but for right now, I can't. So imagine my shock and utter surprise when I log on to myspace (which I hardly do anymore) only to be greeted by photos of an acquaintance who lives in California's... wait for it... photos of his GAY WEDDING!

I didn't know what to say. A million things ran though my head. Shock. Happiness. Awe. Envy. "Glad to see him settle down," "His husband is cute!" "Oh my gosh, did they really choose that as their bridesmaids dresses?"

Basically, I was at once happy for him and angry as all hell.

Of course, I wish him and his new husband the best. (We're not real friend friends by any means. We went to college together and have not really stayed in touch at all, hence I didn't know he was married until myspace told me.)

But it also deeply troubled me that someone else I knew was gay married before me. I have a few friends who are married or who are going to get married in the upcoming year but they are straight, and although the prospect of being something of a "trailblazer" in my circle of friends was daunting, I was excited.

Now that was taken away from me.

Am I being unreasonable? Of course. But I'm also just saying what I feel. I wish I was the first young person I know to get gay married.

But we do need to stick together after all. There are so few young gay couples out there tying the knot, so I will definitely try to choose the high road and get over myself and befriend them.

(Emphasis on "try".)

Compliments...

I got my first complement on my ring today.

I know it's such a small thing. But it really made my day!

Now, I know I'm a man. But part of me is that girl that wants everyone to just gush over my ring, and jump up and down at the prospect of my beautiful fairy tale engagement.

But part of the territory of being a gay man means I don't really get a "rock" to gush over. I don't have a big princess cut diamond to show off, and to be honest would feel totally silly if I did. (although I'm sure some guy somewhere has one, and I'm jealous.) My ring is just a simple, plain white gold band. Understated and masculine, but shiny and reflective enough to give a little glamour to my otherwise unadorned hands.

I love it. And loved it even more when someone one told me that it was "beautiful."

Coming Out of the Engagement Closet

After my boyfriend proposed, I had to get on the phone and call my mom and my best friend Celeste.

I called my mom first and told her "I'm going to get married. Kelby asked me tonight, and I said yes."

While I was not 100% surprised that I was asked to get married as I've talked about it before with Kelby, I was surprised at my mother's reaction.

"Oh... that's great."

It wasn't said sarcastically or meant to be rude, and she genuinly meant what she said. But her reaction wasn't jumping up and down and screaming "I'm so happy for you" proceeded by tears of joy. I don't know what I was expecting because my mother isn't a "screamer" but I was extremely disappointed by her lack of enthusiasm.

My parents love Kelby and ask how he's doing often. When they've come to New York to visit it's always a wonderful time with the four of us, so I know it's not the that. My mom said that she "wasn't surprised" that we were going to get married and that she was happy and excited for us.

I mean, we've been together for over 4 years, I guess that's what people do after a long period of time. So it's not really a shocker, but does that explain her underwhelemed reaction?

After my mom, I called my best friend Celeste. The reaction was roughly the same. (Although the next day she called and did a little jumping up and down.)

I was at lunch with another friend, and after I told him and he congratulated me, the topic quickly changed to random happenings in his life and drama at work and not brought up again.

And actually, it was the same with most of my friends. The only people who were overly excited were my peripheral friends, people at work, or friends of friends. These people who I hardly know, would jump up and down and scream "I'm so happy for you" followed by tears of joy.

Has the self-centered "Bridezilla" in me started already? Am I going to be that person who gets upset because no one is acknowledging this major milestone in my life?

I'm constantly telling myself that it's not about people's reaction, that's certainly not why I'm getting married. I'm getting married because I want to spend the rest of my life with this man whom I love. But when I tell people that I'm engaged and I get nothing... I can't help but be bothered by it.