Please Don't Say That To Me

Is it weird to say that I love gay people?

Is it weirder to say that I also hate them?

I went to my friend Rory’s birthday party. It was at Fusion which I had never been to. Now, it's not like I'm Mr. Social Butterfly, but I was surprised when I walked in because there were so many gay people. Was there a gay bar in New York that I 1) not only haven’t been to, but 2) I haven't at least HEARD of?

After saying hi to Rory and a couple other mutual friends I asked someone there for the party I knew, "is this a gay bar?" They replied, "No. But tonight it is."

So after being validated in my knowledge of Gay New York I was able to just take in the simple pleasure of taking over a bar with your friends,( especially with Rory since I always have such a blast with him, and so many of his friends are amazing!)

As the night went on I ran into many of the amazing friends of his, peripheral friends of mine and friends of friends of friends that I only see at parties like these. One of the peripheral friends I ran into was another gay couple, Cris and Jack.

Cris and Jack have been together just a little under what Kelby and I have been together (I think it’s been around 3ish years for them.) While I am not great friends with them I have always thought about them because they are another young-ish gay couple like myself and Kelby in the City.

As I was talking to Jack, he congratulated Kelby and myself on getting engaged. And right as I was about to say “thank you” he started in on this speech about how he would never do anything like that. He said he feels like gay marriage is a joke and not something gay people should do.” He went on to say he doesn’t think he’ll spend the rest of his life with Cris.

I must have been making a face, because he immediately changed his tone and said, “I mean, I’m happy for you. And if that’s what you want to do, that’s great.”

I was so confused.

On a personal level, here was a guy in a serious relationship, but isn’t into it. He’s just with him to be with him. I mean, yes rent is cheaper, sex is readily available, and companionship is always in style. But why be in a relationship if you’re not happy with that person?

Then, on a bigger, more societal level, why are there so many gay people out there against gay marriage? I mean… I’ve heard all the arguments from gays who are against gay marriage. (Rufus, Elton John) Why would we be a part of something that belongs to straight people? We should make our own traditions, etc…

But I think what confuses me the most is… when I say I’m getting married, why is the first thing some gay people say is “I don’t believe in gay marriage”?

Shouldn’t this be something people say after I leave? Maybe it was just the drinks talking and in a less “celebratory” state, he wouldn’t have said what he said. But it’s been said to me more than once by good, decent, sober people.

And on a slightly related note, sometimes when I tell people “I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years” people will respond by saying, “Oh, my girl/boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up after 4 years.”

Really?

Why?

I love gay people and all, but I hate them sometimes.

After his party, I told Rory about what Jack said, and Rory said that in the past few months they both have become increasingly distant and that it was a rare occasion to see them out together. While I can’t say for certain, but I do think having something to look forward to in your relationship, something to build upon, something to fight for, something that makes it real, something like marriage, is what gets couples though tough times.

Wait... YOU'RE getting gay-married too?

As a prospective bride-groom, everything in my world is now seen through the tint of marriage. I can't help it! It's on my mind... at least at the moment. I go through these phases where everything seems to relate directly to me and my upcoming nuptials, then a phase where nothing seems to relate to me and it's a little overwhelming.

If this seems self centered... well... it is.

I wish I could stop it but for right now, I can't. So imagine my shock and utter surprise when I log on to myspace (which I hardly do anymore) only to be greeted by photos of an acquaintance who lives in California's... wait for it... photos of his GAY WEDDING!

I didn't know what to say. A million things ran though my head. Shock. Happiness. Awe. Envy. "Glad to see him settle down," "His husband is cute!" "Oh my gosh, did they really choose that as their bridesmaids dresses?"

Basically, I was at once happy for him and angry as all hell.

Of course, I wish him and his new husband the best. (We're not real friend friends by any means. We went to college together and have not really stayed in touch at all, hence I didn't know he was married until myspace told me.)

But it also deeply troubled me that someone else I knew was gay married before me. I have a few friends who are married or who are going to get married in the upcoming year but they are straight, and although the prospect of being something of a "trailblazer" in my circle of friends was daunting, I was excited.

Now that was taken away from me.

Am I being unreasonable? Of course. But I'm also just saying what I feel. I wish I was the first young person I know to get gay married.

But we do need to stick together after all. There are so few young gay couples out there tying the knot, so I will definitely try to choose the high road and get over myself and befriend them.

(Emphasis on "try".)