Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Forget Invitations... Can't I just create an event on Facebook?!

Of course I really don't want to just create an event for my wedding, I will probably be classy and use Evite. Just kidding...

I've mentioned before that I purposefully did not post my engagement on facebook or myspace because I've wanted to tell my close friends in person or those who live far away in a phone call. And now that they've all been informed, I'm debating putting the announcement on facebook.

Even though I am an avid (or is it rabid?) social network-er, this feels too personal to just put out there other information like "Josh really hates the new facebook" or "Celeste just became of fan of Rachel Maddow."

But it also is the easiest way for me to tell all the peripheral friends what's happening in my life.

When I explain this quandary to my parents they don't get it. They say in the same conversation to tell everyone, and when I argue that they say don't tell anyone. Which I think brings up an interesting difference in generations as far as communication goes.

They don't talk to the people they went to high school with, let alone elementary school with. But I am "friends" with people I went to 2nd grade with and while we don't talk all the time, I do stalk them as I'm sure they occasionally stalk me, and I feel this is an important update in the scheme of my life. These peripheral people are still around and in my life, unlike my parents lives. I don't have to wait for the 10 year reunion to see how they are doing. I'm watching them get fat and old, successful and rich, and married and divorced with every status change.

So... the jury is out right now on if to post or not to post. But I'm leaning to posting my engagement. I don't want to blindside everyone in the future and not know that I got married and have my status change to "Adam is celebrating his 20th wedding anniversary with his three kids at Olive Garden"

Friday, September 26, 2008

Wait... YOU'RE getting gay-married too?

As a prospective bride-groom, everything in my world is now seen through the tint of marriage. I can't help it! It's on my mind... at least at the moment. I go through these phases where everything seems to relate directly to me and my upcoming nuptials, then a phase where nothing seems to relate to me and it's a little overwhelming.

If this seems self centered... well... it is.

I wish I could stop it but for right now, I can't. So imagine my shock and utter surprise when I log on to myspace (which I hardly do anymore) only to be greeted by photos of an acquaintance who lives in California's... wait for it... photos of his GAY WEDDING!

I didn't know what to say. A million things ran though my head. Shock. Happiness. Awe. Envy. "Glad to see him settle down," "His husband is cute!" "Oh my gosh, did they really choose that as their bridesmaids dresses?"

Basically, I was at once happy for him and angry as all hell.

Of course, I wish him and his new husband the best. (We're not real friend friends by any means. We went to college together and have not really stayed in touch at all, hence I didn't know he was married until myspace told me.)

But it also deeply troubled me that someone else I knew was gay married before me. I have a few friends who are married or who are going to get married in the upcoming year but they are straight, and although the prospect of being something of a "trailblazer" in my circle of friends was daunting, I was excited.

Now that was taken away from me.

Am I being unreasonable? Of course. But I'm also just saying what I feel. I wish I was the first young person I know to get gay married.

But we do need to stick together after all. There are so few young gay couples out there tying the knot, so I will definitely try to choose the high road and get over myself and befriend them.

(Emphasis on "try".)

Friday, September 19, 2008


I got my first complement on my ring today.

I know it's such a small thing. But it really made my day!

Now, I know I'm a man. But part of me is that girl that wants everyone to just gush over my ring, and jump up and down at the prospect of my beautiful fairy tale engagement.

But part of the territory of being a gay man means I don't really get a "rock" to gush over. I don't have a big princess cut diamond to show off, and to be honest would feel totally silly if I did. (although I'm sure some guy somewhere has one, and I'm jealous.) My ring is just a simple, plain white gold band. Understated and masculine, but shiny and reflective enough to give a little glamour to my otherwise unadorned hands.

I love it. And loved it even more when someone one told me that it was "beautiful."

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I'm just getting married, not taking a stand. Or am I?

Gay marriage in the United States seems to be a reality. It's certainly something that I feel will happen in my lifetime. Maybe not at the federal level, but at least a handful of states will adopt it and be a place for gay people to show their love for one another publicly and legally.

But that's in the future. Right now, it is a very polarizing issue in the country.

And what's even more weird is that for me, is that this political issue is about my life. My future. It's about the person I have fallen in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with.

When I say I'm engaged, I don't want to make someone uncomfortable by forcing them to "side" with gay marriage and say "congratulations." But I also don't want to invite the kind of ugly and hate that can also come from announcing my upcoming marriage to another man. Now while telling someone isn't necessarily making them side either way, their reaction actually does show which side they are on.

So I'm mindful of who I tell. Of course most of the people I invite into my life are like-minded people who would only be happy for me, and who view the ring on my left hand as the symbol of love and commitment that it is, and not as a political issue. And I'm not a person to just tell everyone (I didn't post it on facebook) so generally I'm fine.

But the odd times I'm "outted" by my ring in front of people I don't know, there is always a moment of "are you with me or against me?" that goes through my head.

It's sort of like saying you're for one presidential candidate only to quickly realize, everyone else around you is voting the opposite of you.

It can be hard. While in my small bubble of a world, I'm 100% safe and supported, it's hard to keep in mind that it's just me and my guy, when it seems like half the country is against you. Marriage is just about the two of us, not about forging a new path or being political.

But by the simple act of pledging our lives to one another we are being political. We are forging a new path. Together.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Coming Out of the Engagement Closet

After my boyfriend proposed, I had to get on the phone and call my mom and my best friend Celeste.

I called my mom first and told her "I'm going to get married. Kelby asked me tonight, and I said yes."

While I was not 100% surprised that I was asked to get married as I've talked about it before with Kelby, I was surprised at my mother's reaction.

"Oh... that's great."

It wasn't said sarcastically or meant to be rude, and she genuinly meant what she said. But her reaction wasn't jumping up and down and screaming "I'm so happy for you" proceeded by tears of joy. I don't know what I was expecting because my mother isn't a "screamer" but I was extremely disappointed by her lack of enthusiasm.

My parents love Kelby and ask how he's doing often. When they've come to New York to visit it's always a wonderful time with the four of us, so I know it's not the that. My mom said that she "wasn't surprised" that we were going to get married and that she was happy and excited for us.

I mean, we've been together for over 4 years, I guess that's what people do after a long period of time. So it's not really a shocker, but does that explain her underwhelemed reaction?

After my mom, I called my best friend Celeste. The reaction was roughly the same. (Although the next day she called and did a little jumping up and down.)

I was at lunch with another friend, and after I told him and he congratulated me, the topic quickly changed to random happenings in his life and drama at work and not brought up again.

And actually, it was the same with most of my friends. The only people who were overly excited were my peripheral friends, people at work, or friends of friends. These people who I hardly know, would jump up and down and scream "I'm so happy for you" followed by tears of joy.

Has the self-centered "Bridezilla" in me started already? Am I going to be that person who gets upset because no one is acknowledging this major milestone in my life?

I'm constantly telling myself that it's not about people's reaction, that's certainly not why I'm getting married. I'm getting married because I want to spend the rest of my life with this man whom I love. But when I tell people that I'm engaged and I get nothing... I can't help but be bothered by it.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Proposal

I'm only 24. Which I consider still young, yet old enough to be an adult. I sure don't feel like an adult, but as the days and months seem to fly by, I slowly pick up evidence of the fact that I am indeed, well on to my way of becoming an adult.

Friends and cousins are getting married, others are having babies, and unfortunately relatives and older people I know are passing on. It's life. It's what happens. But its very different when it starts to happen to you.

I've had one close friend get married and two are currently engaged and planning to get married in the next year. So I am undeniably at that new frontier in my life where as mid-twenty-somethings, that's what we do.

Except I'm gay.

Not that being gay is bad. Things are certainly easier today, and have changed drastically during my 24 years on Earth. But when it comes to these traditional white-picket-American-Dream style things (marriage, 2.5 kids, etc.) I'm conflicted.I want all those things, but by my very nature, I'm not "traditional." 

Imagine my surprise when my boyfriend, whom I live with and have been together for over 4 years, did the most traditional thing a man could do. He proposed to me last week.

I replied an immediate yes and so happy. I am completly in love with him. And the proposal wasn't a complete surprise. It was something we have seriously talked about. But I was so over the moon that I didn't really have time to think... until now.

Do not get me wrong. I love him and want nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with him. But growing up, getting married wasn't really an option for me. Gay marriage is new. So as a kid, I didn't fantizise about my big fat gay wedding I was going to have. And now as it's becoming an reality thoughts are running through my head... Do I wear white? Does he? What about wedding parties, do we both have best men? and a million others...

Anyone who has seen an episode of Bridezilla knows that getting engaged and planning a wedding is hard, but I think doing all that and being gay I'm realizing is even harder.