Friday, November 28, 2008
How long have you been together?
This last september was 4 years
How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Who asked who out?
I asked Kelby out.
How old are each of you?
What are your astrological signs?
I'm a scorpio, he's a virgo
How tall are each of you?
5'6 and 5'10
Whose mother do you see the most?
It feels like his... but I don't actually know ;)
Whose siblings do/did you see the most?
Do you have any children together?
Do you have any pets?
What’s the hardest on you as a couple?
Our jobs take us away from eachother... crazy hours, and we kind of are in direct competition a lot...
What do you both do for a living?
We're both actors, but I am also a musican.
Is that what you went to school for?
Did you both go to the same school?
It's where we met!
Are you from the same hometown?
No. But it was in my hometown where we met.
Do you live in the same town now?
Who is the smartest?
Depends on the situation... I'm more street smart.
Who is the most sensitive?
Where do you eat out most as a couple?
The Metro Diner... a little neighboorhood diner a few blocks away. They know us there.
Where do you shop the most as a couple?
Duane Reade :(
Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
New York, when we lived in California... And now California because we live in New York.
Who has the best group of friends?
Me... hands down.
Who has the craziest exes?
Who has the worst temper?
eek... Me again.
Who does the cooking?
We split that up...
Who is more social?
I think me... but he's catching up.
Who is the neat-freak?
Who is the most stubborn?
Who hogs the bed?
Who wakes up earlier?
guess, since I'm the one always waking him up, that's me.
Where was your first date?
I don't actually remember... I can only remember asking him out to a party, but I don't know if that is a "date"
Who said I Love You first?
Who has the bigger family?
They are about the same... and equally crazy.
Who gives flowers the most often?
Him... because he's one it once.
How do you spend Thanksgiving?
Last year it was at our house, and if he wasn't gone on tour we would have done the same thing.
Who is more jealous?
I guess if it has to be someone it's me...
Do you have little pet names for each other?
Don't you worry about that... :)
How long did it take to get serious?
not very long... maybe a month!?
Who eats more?
Who sings better?
Since we're both singers, I better not answer this...
Kelby by a couple months.
Who does the laundry?
Who does the dishes?
Who’s better with the computer?
Kelby knows what to do... I am the one breaking it.
We take the Subway. That way... no one needs a designated driver!
Who picks where you go to dinner?
it's pretty equal, although I tend to veto more then he does.
Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
Kelby. It's something I'm working on :)
Who named your pet?
no pet... yet.
Who kissed who first?
Kelby kissed me first.
Who has more tattoos?
we're both tattoo free...
Who eats more sweets?
Who cries more?
Who's the traditionalist?
Who's the most sentimental?
Me. I mean... I am the one filling out surveys.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Now, that said, while I feel very confused by the whole thing, the sky hasn't fallen down. I'm still here. I still love my man. And I still plan on getting married.
Those first few days after it passed were hard though.
It felt like that in the face of this amazing change of government, the LGBT community got left behind. And there was nothing we could do. Of course the public outcry across the country was truly awe inspiring, and brought us closer together, but it was too little too late. And we will have to wait until the next election year for anything to happen.
But this time has been harder for me because Kelby has not been with me. I may have mentioned before, but if I didn't, Kelby is an actor and I'm a piano player/music director for theatre. Kelby recently booked a national tour (yay!), and left at the beginning of this month before the election (sad!). Luckily his contract is short, and he's only needed through the end of Decemember. Just in time to fly home together and see the family. But we won't really have any alone time together until the new year.
But we talk all the time and text even more. We send each other links about interesting articles, sites, or crazy photos we find (basically, the stuff we would have just told each other over dinner.) We chat online... all the things long distant couples do I guess.
This month been hard, but it's not the first time we've been apart. Last year, towards the end of winter and through spring, we both had jobs that took us out of the city. He was on a tour that took him all over the midwest and east coast, and I got a job music directing in Indiana. We were extremely lucky that our contracts took us out of town for basically the same amount of time. And we were both so busy that, while we missed each other, we had things to busy our time.
Don't get me wrong, I am nothing more than estatic for Kelby getting this job, I am more sad I'm here in New York doing nothing. While I have a couple small gigs playing piano for various things, they are not full time, and I spend my time at my day job. He'll be back soon enough though to brighten my day and give me someone to nag at because the garbage hasn't been taken out. (I can't nag myself when I don't take it out.)
Even though our plans for a government recognized marriage may be up in the air, the plans we have for committing to each other are still there. And no amount of separation or vote can take that away.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Here we are.
After what seems like the longest election process ever, we are finally done.
I am extremly overjoyed at Barack Obama's tremendous win over John McCain, and can not wait to have him in office.
Of course, like probably much of you, I'm also saddened by the news of Prop 8's passage in California.
What this means exactly for Kelby and I and our future is unclear. We did promise ourselves that we would work on our own time table and not try to rush anything. We wanted to do things right. Despite my fears, I was pretty sure that it was going to pass. Most of Kelby and I's prelimary plans revolved around a California wedding and New York reception. And now... Here we are.
An engaged couple with no hope of a wedding, or a legal one at least. Even though we told ourselves that it didn't matter if it was "real" or not, and we would work on our own schedule, it's a big set back and I can't help but feel ripped off.
I hope that this battle isn't done in California or elsewhere. I pray that New York (or NYC at least) can push something thru sometime soon. But with all these "almosts" I'm starting to be a person who says "I'll believe it when I see it."
But we are not alone. There are plenty of people who support gay rights. Facebook status' just in the past couple hours show the shock and disappointment in yesterdays historic election.
Jesse is SO excited about our country's President Elect!!! OBAMA!!!!! However, saddened by the surprising amount of fear & ignorance in CA, AZ, & FL.
Zach is reminding you to make sure and vote- yesterday!! Go back in time. Do it. Especially if you're in California and voting NO on Prop. 8
Jennifer is wishing her vote could have gone toward prop 8. C'mon, California--what the hell???
Carla hopes that all who voted Yes on 8 at least wear their bigotry and discrimination with pride.
Kenneth is confused that in the midst of change, California has proven itself to not acknowledge basic civil rights!
And they go on and on... While change is coming (thank God), some of us seem to standing still.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
And while it wasn't a very good show at all (disappointing really...) something kind of amazing happened during the show.
At one point there is a bride onstage, the scene takes place after her wedding. And at the end of the song, there is a big finish and she throws her bouquet into the audience.
And guess what? I totally caught it.
Actually, it kind of landed with a thud into my lap, I didn't "catch" it. In fact I was terrified because I wasn't expecting to have anything thrown at me. But was so elated that I ended up with it.
I guess that makes me the bride.
Monday, October 27, 2008
As I watched the season finale of Mad Men tonight, I couldn't help but be moved by the sense of fear that these people living in the early 60's had about Cuba and "the bomb." People were absolutely terrified.
Looking back of course, we know it was silly and that people over reacted, but in the moment, fear like that can't be helped. And of course, the parallels of our fear in a post 9/11 world, only make that sense of fear resonate even more. But it's not the only parallel.
After the episode, I jumped on the computer like I do before I go to bed and I came across this article about Prop 8 in the NYTimes.
Now, I already knew this deep inside, but it is still amazing to me how much Prop 8 is all about fear. Or rather, how fear is being used as a tactic by the people who oppose gay marriage.
And I'm scared too. Just for different reasons.
Prop 8 is big. It's huge. The article says, that in a very real way, California is a trend setter for the country, and in a de facto way, the world. So if Prop 8 is struck down and marriage for everyone is preserved, it's huge. And if it passes... God help us. That is a scary thought that I can't even begin to think about right now.
One of the more frightening items in the article is when it states "one thing [both sides] agree: Polls in every other state that has had a marriage amendment on the ballot have consistently undercounted voters who oppose same-sex marriage by significant percentages."
And while life today is better for gays and lesbians then the life presented for the closeted gays in Mad Men we have a ways to go and this is a major chance to secure rights for our future. I don't want us to lose it. Fear is everywhere right now like it's the new black. It's out of control.
But dispite this overwhellming fear, I remain positive that the right thing will happen come Nov. 4th. It has to, right?
I had no intention of making this blog political. I wanted to be about my wedding, details like Kelby's mom driving me nuts, napkin rings, etc. But like I've said before, by it's very nature my life is political. But no matter the outcome, Kelby and I will get married and live as happily ever after as we can.
(And I don't think the Earth will crumble. That much I'm not scared of.)
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Kelby and I moved to New York together two years ago this November from California. It's been such an amazing journey together. We had lived together in California for about two years, so living together in NY wasn't a big deal. Getting adjusted to no car, to snow, to the crowds, etc. was the hard part.
We had plenty of friends who already lived in New York which made life much easier. While having each other was very luckily, we had a small network of friends already set up, including my best friend from second grade Celeste.
And over the past two years we've built up an even larger network of friends, and friends of friends, whom we want to include in celebrating our wedding. BUT we also want our family there, and my family and Kelby's family all live in California. And we still have a number of friends who live in California.
So, while we haven't decided on anything official yet, we think we're going to do a bi-coastal wedding.
We'll have a ceremony in California (with or without prop 8) with our family and invite all of our NY friends (not really expecting many to come, since airfare is what it is, and my friends like myself are all poor) and do a small reception. This will be more like a family, intimate celebration. No dancing or crazy favors, just food, cake, and some catching up with relatives you see at funerals and, well... weddings.
Then fly back to NY and have the party part of the reception with all my NY friends (and invite whatever family and California friends who want to come.) We figure this way, everyone can get to be a part of it, without pressuring anyone to buy a plane ticket across the country and a hotel, if they can't afford it.
By doing this, we're also throwing two small parties as opposed to one large one. Which at least in my head is less expensive. We'll see... I have yet to pick up a phone and call anybody about prices... so... I'll have to keep you updated on that.
But now that I have a rough sketch of "plot points" I think we can now start to flesh out the plans, and get working on a date. (Something for Late Summer, Fall-ish next year.)
Friday, October 17, 2008
So, speaking of Facebook, an interesting thing happened the other day online.
A person I am hardly friends with (the younger sister of a friend from elementary school) sent me and a group of others a message on Facebook with the subject line: This is about our future as citizens of the United State of America!!
Being a good citizen, I of course care about the future of my country, so I open it immediately.
"Ok so I never do this. I had to email you because I think this issue is one that will affect us for the rest of our lives. I know I haven't talked to many of you in years [...] whatever the story, it doesn't matter. What matters is what is going to happen if we, as citizens of the United States of America, don't get out and vote on November the 4th"
Instantly I can tell that it's a message that she has copy and pasted from somewhere and is forwarding it to her friends. But am delighted in it's patriotic intentions. I read on:
"It doesn't matter what denomination you are, what religion you are or aren't, what political party you belong to, what matters is what happens if we don't unite to pass Prop 8. Prop 8 is a proposition protecting Marriage saying it is between a man and a woman."
I had to stop and reread that last sentence "between a man and a woman?!" This girl really sent me a message urging people in California to vote Yes on Prop 8 which would take away the right of gay and lesbian people in California to get married?!
The scary truth is, she did send it. The message goes on to talk about this and that, how gay marriage is wrong, how our children will suffer, etc. No need to go into details, we've heard them all before. [Just in case you don't know, recently in California denying gay marriage was ruled unconstitutional by it's Supreme Court. So, since you can't undo that, anti-gay groups are now trying to change to constitution of California itself, so that it defines marriage between a man and a woman, making the ruling void. See No on 8 for more details. (I'm also originally from California, which is how I know this girl, and likely where I would get married since my family is there.)]
To say the message upset me was an understatement. It threw me for a curve. I of course know that there are people out there who don't like the idea of two people of the same sex getting married, I know that.
But now it had a face. It was this friend of mine's little sister. She was saying it. Not some faceless evil people I don't know, but someone who's family I grew up with. It was unsettling. And because I felt that I needed to say something, I did. I couldn't just let that hang out there.
I resisted the urge to hit "reply all" and sent her a private message explaining my opinions and that I think she is entitled to hers, and we can agree to disagree, but to please not include me in any more anti-gay emails.
I did not get a reply from her and I figured the matter was done. Until a person who was included on that email replied all and wrote "I agree."
Those two words were so scary for me. This person agreed with her. And again, I know there are LOTS of people out there who agree with that, but this is more personal. Then another agreed. And another. One person did stand up for it, but was such a bad writer, I couldn't let them be the sole voice for my side.
I had to chime in. I ended up writing a mini essay (which was not what I wanted to do. I'm sure I came across as one of those angry gays) and I was expecting a fight...
To my surprise no one responded to it. Either I'm the best debater in the world and I won (yeah right!) or they were equally off put (as I was) by my side having a face; an actual person who this proposition would affect. Not faceless couples who they are denying marriage to, but to me. Of course I'll never know, but I wonder what went through that girls head, and the others who responded, when they read my messages.
Monday, October 6, 2008
This seems to be a theme in my life right now.
I have no idea what I want to do as far as a wedding is concerned. When I think about colors or flowers, or even just the simple concept of a reception my head starts to spin at the choices.
I was going though websites the other day and was so overwhelmed by all the options I just closed my laptop. I couldn't take it.
So as if to clear my mind, I went back to my not-so-close friend's gay wedding pictures that I found online. And a funny thing happened. I started making decisions. I suddenly was that much closer to knowing what I wanted.
Mostly because I thought that everything he did was awful.
Just taking one look at his flowers, his tux, his bridesmaids (groomsmaids?) dresses, his colors, even his haircut... I knew that those were things I did NOT want.
Talking to my friend close friend Valarie (who is getting married herself in a few months) about this, she laughed and said the same thing happened to her. Being a girly girl, she had her wedding planned since she was one. She knew exactly what flowers, what colors, what Church, what everything!
Then the minute it became reality, that everything went out the window. She was starting from scratch. And she said it was mostly a result of seeing that it might come true, and realizing that it's completely wrong.
When I saw those photos and put my and Kelby's heads in those tuxes, in front of those flowers next to those bridesmaids dresses, I was horrified.
But the light at the end of the tunnel is that I now have those things checked off my list. While I don't know where the end is, I am that much closer.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I've mentioned before that I purposefully did not post my engagement on facebook or myspace because I've wanted to tell my close friends in person or those who live far away in a phone call. And now that they've all been informed, I'm debating putting the announcement on facebook.
Even though I am an avid (or is it rabid?) social network-er, this feels too personal to just put out there other information like "Josh really hates the new facebook" or "Celeste just became of fan of Rachel Maddow."
But it also is the easiest way for me to tell all the peripheral friends what's happening in my life.
When I explain this quandary to my parents they don't get it. They say in the same conversation to tell everyone, and when I argue that they say don't tell anyone. Which I think brings up an interesting difference in generations as far as communication goes.
They don't talk to the people they went to high school with, let alone elementary school with. But I am "friends" with people I went to 2nd grade with and while we don't talk all the time, I do stalk them as I'm sure they occasionally stalk me, and I feel this is an important update in the scheme of my life. These peripheral people are still around and in my life, unlike my parents lives. I don't have to wait for the 10 year reunion to see how they are doing. I'm watching them get fat and old, successful and rich, and married and divorced with every status change.
So... the jury is out right now on if to post or not to post. But I'm leaning to posting my engagement. I don't want to blindside everyone in the future and not know that I got married and have my status change to "Adam is celebrating his 20th wedding anniversary with his three kids at Olive Garden"
Friday, September 26, 2008
If this seems self centered... well... it is.
I wish I could stop it but for right now, I can't. So imagine my shock and utter surprise when I log on to myspace (which I hardly do anymore) only to be greeted by photos of an acquaintance who lives in California's... wait for it... photos of his GAY WEDDING!
I didn't know what to say. A million things ran though my head. Shock. Happiness. Awe. Envy. "Glad to see him settle down," "His husband is cute!" "Oh my gosh, did they really choose that as their bridesmaids dresses?"
Basically, I was at once happy for him and angry as all hell.
Of course, I wish him and his new husband the best. (We're not real friend friends by any means. We went to college together and have not really stayed in touch at all, hence I didn't know he was married until myspace told me.)
But it also deeply troubled me that someone else I knew was gay married before me. I have a few friends who are married or who are going to get married in the upcoming year but they are straight, and although the prospect of being something of a "trailblazer" in my circle of friends was daunting, I was excited.
Now that was taken away from me.
Am I being unreasonable? Of course. But I'm also just saying what I feel. I wish I was the first young person I know to get gay married.
But we do need to stick together after all. There are so few young gay couples out there tying the knot, so I will definitely try to choose the high road and get over myself and befriend them.
(Emphasis on "try".)
Friday, September 19, 2008
I know it's such a small thing. But it really made my day!
Now, I know I'm a man. But part of me is that girl that wants everyone to just gush over my ring, and jump up and down at the prospect of my beautiful fairy tale engagement.
But part of the territory of being a gay man means I don't really get a "rock" to gush over. I don't have a big princess cut diamond to show off, and to be honest would feel totally silly if I did. (although I'm sure some guy somewhere has one, and I'm jealous.) My ring is just a simple, plain white gold band. Understated and masculine, but shiny and reflective enough to give a little glamour to my otherwise unadorned hands.
I love it. And loved it even more when someone one told me that it was "beautiful."
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
But that's in the future. Right now, it is a very polarizing issue in the country.
And what's even more weird is that for me, is that this political issue is about my life. My future. It's about the person I have fallen in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with.
When I say I'm engaged, I don't want to make someone uncomfortable by forcing them to "side" with gay marriage and say "congratulations." But I also don't want to invite the kind of ugly and hate that can also come from announcing my upcoming marriage to another man. Now while telling someone isn't necessarily making them side either way, their reaction actually does show which side they are on.
So I'm mindful of who I tell. Of course most of the people I invite into my life are like-minded people who would only be happy for me, and who view the ring on my left hand as the symbol of love and commitment that it is, and not as a political issue. And I'm not a person to just tell everyone (I didn't post it on facebook) so generally I'm fine.
But the odd times I'm "outted" by my ring in front of people I don't know, there is always a moment of "are you with me or against me?" that goes through my head.
It's sort of like saying you're for one presidential candidate only to quickly realize, everyone else around you is voting the opposite of you.
It can be hard. While in my small bubble of a world, I'm 100% safe and supported, it's hard to keep in mind that it's just me and my guy, when it seems like half the country is against you. Marriage is just about the two of us, not about forging a new path or being political.
But by the simple act of pledging our lives to one another we are being political. We are forging a new path. Together.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I called my mom first and told her "I'm going to get married. Kelby asked me tonight, and I said yes."
While I was not 100% surprised that I was asked to get married as I've talked about it before with Kelby, I was surprised at my mother's reaction.
"Oh... that's great."
It wasn't said sarcastically or meant to be rude, and she genuinly meant what she said. But her reaction wasn't jumping up and down and screaming "I'm so happy for you" proceeded by tears of joy. I don't know what I was expecting because my mother isn't a "screamer" but I was extremely disappointed by her lack of enthusiasm.
My parents love Kelby and ask how he's doing often. When they've come to New York to visit it's always a wonderful time with the four of us, so I know it's not the that. My mom said that she "wasn't surprised" that we were going to get married and that she was happy and excited for us.
I mean, we've been together for over 4 years, I guess that's what people do after a long period of time. So it's not really a shocker, but does that explain her underwhelemed reaction?
After my mom, I called my best friend Celeste. The reaction was roughly the same. (Although the next day she called and did a little jumping up and down.)
I was at lunch with another friend, and after I told him and he congratulated me, the topic quickly changed to random happenings in his life and drama at work and not brought up again.
And actually, it was the same with most of my friends. The only people who were overly excited were my peripheral friends, people at work, or friends of friends. These people who I hardly know, would jump up and down and scream "I'm so happy for you" followed by tears of joy.
Has the self-centered "Bridezilla" in me started already? Am I going to be that person who gets upset because no one is acknowledging this major milestone in my life?
I'm constantly telling myself that it's not about people's reaction, that's certainly not why I'm getting married. I'm getting married because I want to spend the rest of my life with this man whom I love. But when I tell people that I'm engaged and I get nothing... I can't help but be bothered by it.