I've Been Everywhere...

First off, to anyone who reads this blog with any kind of scant regularity, I apologize for dropping off the face of the Earth for the past few months. As you can all guess, life happens and like most things in life, no news is good news.

I got an amazing acting job that has taken me on tour around the Midwest, South, and New England and so my Internet access has not been as regular as when I'm home and I generally end up spending my time talking to Kelby or other friends on the phone. I've been on the road since February. (Which is also a long time to not see my man!)

But I haven't forgot about this blog, in fact I've been writing a few on paper while we're being driven from town to town, so I have a small back log of entries I need to put finger to keyboard and transfer over.

After this, expect more "Gay Man's Rants" and also a couple "Small Town Gay Bar Reviews" since being on the road has allowed me to travel all over! (Who knew Tennessee had such a rockin' gay scene?!)

In the meantime, here is a blog I wrote back in the end of January about an experience I witnessed with a disgruntled state employee.

Oh... the DMV.

Now, just to be sure, everyone has to go to the DMV right? Not just freaks and crazies, but normal everyday people? I mean, I was there. It stands to reason normal people go there to. So... why is it that it seems like only freaks and crazies are there?

I was there yesterday trying to get a New York Drivers Licence (I've been hanging on to my California one for the past 2 years, and decided that it was time to fully commit to being a New Yorker and have the ID to prove it.)

The first odd thing was there is a sort of "screening" line, where you had to stand in one line to get a number, and then you're directed to another line that will actually help you with what you need. Anyway to make a long story short, the woman who was heading the first "screening" line was obviously not having a good day.

The man in front of me was next and she asked him what he was there at the DMV for, so she could direct him to the proper line. He said he was renewing his license. She asked if he'd be taking a new picture. The man joked and said, "No. I don't need a new picture. I'm still pretty."

Now this was an older (not pretty) man, who was just trying to be funny and cheer up this woman who looked obviously haggard and depressed.

She stared at him blankly and said "No. You're not pretty. You're handsome. Woman are pretty and men are handsome. Unless you're a he/she, in which case I will still call you pretty."

The man kinda laughed it off and just left, not knowing what exactly to say, and went to stand in the next line.

I was so irked by what she said.

That kind of thinking, where gender roles and language are so defined, while isn't explicitly hurting anyone, in the end does more damage than good. I was a little mad at myself for not saying anything to her. What could I have said? "Boys can be pretty and girls can be handsome if they want."

I can only imagine the look she would have given me.

Please Don't Say That To Me

Is it weird to say that I love gay people?

Is it weirder to say that I also hate them?

I went to my friend Rory’s birthday party. It was at Fusion which I had never been to. Now, it's not like I'm Mr. Social Butterfly, but I was surprised when I walked in because there were so many gay people. Was there a gay bar in New York that I 1) not only haven’t been to, but 2) I haven't at least HEARD of?

After saying hi to Rory and a couple other mutual friends I asked someone there for the party I knew, "is this a gay bar?" They replied, "No. But tonight it is."

So after being validated in my knowledge of Gay New York I was able to just take in the simple pleasure of taking over a bar with your friends,( especially with Rory since I always have such a blast with him, and so many of his friends are amazing!)

As the night went on I ran into many of the amazing friends of his, peripheral friends of mine and friends of friends of friends that I only see at parties like these. One of the peripheral friends I ran into was another gay couple, Cris and Jack.

Cris and Jack have been together just a little under what Kelby and I have been together (I think it’s been around 3ish years for them.) While I am not great friends with them I have always thought about them because they are another young-ish gay couple like myself and Kelby in the City.

As I was talking to Jack, he congratulated Kelby and myself on getting engaged. And right as I was about to say “thank you” he started in on this speech about how he would never do anything like that. He said he feels like gay marriage is a joke and not something gay people should do.” He went on to say he doesn’t think he’ll spend the rest of his life with Cris.

I must have been making a face, because he immediately changed his tone and said, “I mean, I’m happy for you. And if that’s what you want to do, that’s great.”

I was so confused.

On a personal level, here was a guy in a serious relationship, but isn’t into it. He’s just with him to be with him. I mean, yes rent is cheaper, sex is readily available, and companionship is always in style. But why be in a relationship if you’re not happy with that person?

Then, on a bigger, more societal level, why are there so many gay people out there against gay marriage? I mean… I’ve heard all the arguments from gays who are against gay marriage. (Rufus, Elton John) Why would we be a part of something that belongs to straight people? We should make our own traditions, etc…

But I think what confuses me the most is… when I say I’m getting married, why is the first thing some gay people say is “I don’t believe in gay marriage”?

Shouldn’t this be something people say after I leave? Maybe it was just the drinks talking and in a less “celebratory” state, he wouldn’t have said what he said. But it’s been said to me more than once by good, decent, sober people.

And on a slightly related note, sometimes when I tell people “I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years” people will respond by saying, “Oh, my girl/boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up after 4 years.”

Really?

Why?

I love gay people and all, but I hate them sometimes.

After his party, I told Rory about what Jack said, and Rory said that in the past few months they both have become increasingly distant and that it was a rare occasion to see them out together. While I can’t say for certain, but I do think having something to look forward to in your relationship, something to build upon, something to fight for, something that makes it real, something like marriage, is what gets couples though tough times.

Change on the Horizon...

Here we are.

After what seems like the longest election process ever, we are finally done.

I am extremly overjoyed at Barack Obama's tremendous win over John McCain, and can not wait to have him in office.

Of course, like probably much of you, I'm also saddened by the news of Prop 8's passage in California.

What this means exactly for Kelby and I and our future is unclear. We did promise ourselves that we would work on our own time table and not try to rush anything. We wanted to do things right. Despite my fears, I was pretty sure that it was going to pass. Most of Kelby and I's prelimary plans revolved around a California wedding and New York reception. And now... Here we are.

An engaged couple with no hope of a wedding, or a legal one at least. Even though we told ourselves that it didn't matter if it was "real" or not, and we would work on our own schedule, it's a big set back and I can't help but feel ripped off.

I hope that this battle isn't done in California or elsewhere. I pray that New York (or NYC at least) can push something thru sometime soon. But with all these "almosts" I'm starting to be a person who says "I'll believe it when I see it."

But we are not alone. There are plenty of people who support gay rights. Facebook status' just in the past couple hours show the shock and disappointment in yesterdays historic election.

Jesse is SO excited about our country's President Elect!!! OBAMA!!!!! However, saddened by the surprising amount of fear & ignorance in CA, AZ, & FL.

Zach is reminding you to make sure and vote- yesterday!! Go back in time. Do it. Especially if you're in California and voting NO on Prop. 8

Jennifer is wishing her vote could have gone toward prop 8. C'mon, California--what the hell???
Carla hopes that all who voted Yes on 8 at least wear their bigotry and discrimination with pride.

Kenneth is confused that in the midst of change, California has proven itself to not acknowledge basic civil rights!

And they go on and on... While change is coming (thank God), some of us seem to standing still.

It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World...

As I watched the season finale of Mad Men tonight, I couldn't help but be moved by the sense of fear that these people living in the early 60's had about Cuba and "the bomb." People were absolutely terrified.

Looking back of course, we know it was silly and that people over reacted, but in the moment, fear like that can't be helped. And of course, the parallels of our fear in a post 9/11 world, only make that sense of fear resonate even more. But it's not the only parallel.

After the episode, I jumped on the computer like I do before I go to bed and I came across this article about Prop 8 in the NYTimes.

Now, I already knew this deep inside, but it is still amazing to me how much Prop 8 is all about fear. Or rather, how fear is being used as a tactic by the people who oppose gay marriage.

And I'm scared too. Just for different reasons.

Prop 8 is big. It's huge. The article says, that in a very real way, California is a trend setter for the country, and in a de facto way, the world. So if Prop 8 is struck down and marriage for everyone is preserved, it's huge. And if it passes... God help us. That is a scary thought that I can't even begin to think about right now.

One of the more frightening items in the article is when it states "one thing [both sides] agree: Polls in every other state that has had a marriage amendment on the ballot have consistently undercounted voters who oppose same-sex marriage by significant percentages."

And while life today is better for gays and lesbians then the life presented for the closeted gays in Mad Men we have a ways to go and this is a major chance to secure rights for our future. I don't want us to lose it. Fear is everywhere right now like it's the new black. It's out of control.

But dispite this overwhellming fear, I remain positive that the right thing will happen come Nov. 4th. It has to, right?

I had no intention of making this blog political. I wanted to be about my wedding, details like Kelby's mom driving me nuts, napkin rings, etc. But like I've said before, by it's very nature my life is political. But no matter the outcome, Kelby and I will get married and live as happily ever after as we can.

(And I don't think the Earth will crumble. That much I'm not scared of.)

Facebook/Faceoff

So, speaking of Facebook, an interesting thing happened the other day online.
A person I am hardly friends with (the younger sister of a friend from elementary school) sent me and a group of others a message on Facebook with the subject line: This is about our future as citizens of the United State of America!!

Being a good citizen, I of course care about the future of my country, so I open it immediately.

"Ok so I never do this. I had to email you because I think this issue is one that will affect us for the rest of our lives. I know I haven't talked to many of you in years [...] whatever the story, it doesn't matter. What matters is what is going to happen if we, as citizens of the United States of America, don't get out and vote on November the 4th"

Instantly I can tell that it's a message that she has copy and pasted from somewhere and is forwarding it to her friends. But am delighted in it's patriotic intentions. I read on:

"It doesn't matter what denomination you are, what religion you are or aren't, what political party you belong to, what matters is what happens if we don't unite to pass Prop 8. Prop 8 is a proposition protecting Marriage saying it is between a man and a woman."

I had to stop and reread that last sentence "between a man and a woman?!" This girl really sent me a message urging people in California to vote Yes on Prop 8 which would take away the right of gay and lesbian people in California to get married?!

The scary truth is, she did send it. The message goes on to talk about this and that, how gay marriage is wrong, how our children will suffer, etc. No need to go into details, we've heard them all before. [Just in case you don't know, recently in California denying gay marriage was ruled unconstitutional by it's Supreme Court. So, since you can't undo that, anti-gay groups are now trying to change to constitution of California itself, so that it defines marriage between a man and a woman, making the ruling void. See No on 8 for more details. (I'm also originally from California, which is how I know this girl, and likely where I would get married since my family is there.)]

To say the message upset me was an understatement. It threw me for a curve. I of course know that there are people out there who don't like the idea of two people of the same sex getting married, I know that.

But now it had a face. It was this friend of mine's little sister. She was saying it. Not some faceless evil people I don't know, but someone who's family I grew up with. It was unsettling. And because I felt that I needed to say something, I did. I couldn't just let that hang out there.
I resisted the urge to hit "reply all" and sent her a private message explaining my opinions and that I think she is entitled to hers, and we can agree to disagree, but to please not include me in any more anti-gay emails.

I did not get a reply from her and I figured the matter was done. Until a person who was included on that email replied all and wrote "I agree."

I agree!??!

Those two words were so scary for me. This person agreed with her. And again, I know there are LOTS of people out there who agree with that, but this is more personal. Then another agreed. And another. One person did stand up for it, but was such a bad writer, I couldn't let them be the sole voice for my side.

I had to chime in. I ended up writing a mini essay (which was not what I wanted to do. I'm sure I came across as one of those angry gays) and I was expecting a fight...

To my surprise no one responded to it. Either I'm the best debater in the world and I won (yeah right!) or they were equally off put (as I was) by my side having a face; an actual person who this proposition would affect. Not faceless couples who they are denying marriage to, but to me. Of course I'll never know, but I wonder what went through that girls head, and the others who responded, when they read my messages.