Saturday, January 10, 2009

Please Don't Say That To Me

Is it weird to say that I love gay people?

Is it weirder to say that I also hate them?

I went to my friend Rory’s birthday party. It was at Fusion which I had never been to. Now, it's not like I'm Mr. Social Butterfly, but I was surprised when I walked in because there were so many gay people. Was there a gay bar in New York that I 1) not only haven’t been to, but 2) I haven't at least HEARD of?

After saying hi to Rory and a couple other mutual friends I asked someone there for the party I knew, "is this a gay bar?" They replied, "No. But tonight it is."

So after being validated in my knowledge of Gay New York I was able to just take in the simple pleasure of taking over a bar with your friends,( especially with Rory since I always have such a blast with him, and so many of his friends are amazing!)

As the night went on I ran into many of the amazing friends of his, peripheral friends of mine and friends of friends of friends that I only see at parties like these. One of the peripheral friends I ran into was another gay couple, Cris and Jack.

Cris and Jack have been together just a little under what Kelby and I have been together (I think it’s been around 3ish years for them.) While I am not great friends with them I have always thought about them because they are another young-ish gay couple like myself and Kelby in the City.

As I was talking to Jack, he congratulated Kelby and myself on getting engaged. And right as I was about to say “thank you” he started in on this speech about how he would never do anything like that. He said he feels like gay marriage is a joke and not something gay people should do.” He went on to say he doesn’t think he’ll spend the rest of his life with Cris.

I must have been making a face, because he immediately changed his tone and said, “I mean, I’m happy for you. And if that’s what you want to do, that’s great.”

I was so confused.

On a personal level, here was a guy in a serious relationship, but isn’t into it. He’s just with him to be with him. I mean, yes rent is cheaper, sex is readily available, and companionship is always in style. But why be in a relationship if you’re not happy with that person?

Then, on a bigger, more societal level, why are there so many gay people out there against gay marriage? I mean… I’ve heard all the arguments from gays who are against gay marriage. (Rufus, Elton John) Why would we be a part of something that belongs to straight people? We should make our own traditions, etc…

But I think what confuses me the most is… when I say I’m getting married, why is the first thing some gay people say is “I don’t believe in gay marriage”?

Shouldn’t this be something people say after I leave? Maybe it was just the drinks talking and in a less “celebratory” state, he wouldn’t have said what he said. But it’s been said to me more than once by good, decent, sober people.

And on a slightly related note, sometimes when I tell people “I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years” people will respond by saying, “Oh, my girl/boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up after 4 years.”



I love gay people and all, but I hate them sometimes.

After his party, I told Rory about what Jack said, and Rory said that in the past few months they both have become increasingly distant and that it was a rare occasion to see them out together. While I can’t say for certain, but I do think having something to look forward to in your relationship, something to build upon, something to fight for, something that makes it real, something like marriage, is what gets couples though tough times.


Anonymous said...

i heart your culture commentary

Adam said...

Thank you so much Desaray! And thank you for reading... :)

CeCe said...

People are so rude... at the end of the day I'd start adopting the phrase "its not about you" it seems quite applicable for these crazies!


Luis said...

Don't let the meanies bring you down babe.

I don't get the whole attitude either. You might not believe in getting married, but at the very least you should be getting your panties in ruffle for the fact that you are being told you can't. Your "opinion" is pointless because it's not like you have the option. We should all be fighting for this, so then if I say I don't believe in marriage, it will mean something.

N said...

I also hate it when gay people tell me they don't believe in marriage. It's not the tooth fairy, people. Marriage exists. You might not feel that it is the right choice for you, but I find it strange that people need to share that. Like if you were saying that you were planning a trip to Hawaii, would the same person say, "I hate Hawaii." Who cares? No one is inviting you! Like Cece said, "It's not about you."